God, the Devil & Seifer
by Verdanii
Summary: SxQ. Permanently on hiatus.
1. Chapter 1

God, The Devil and Seifer

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, blabla.

* * *

"Rock-scissors-paper!" The out-of-his-skull-bored devil Squall sighed. "Ack!....whatever." He shrugged coolly. 

The Devil and God had nothing meaningfull to do, and watched how thing were going on the planet of FF8.

They saw people doing stuff, and crap.

"I wonder why you created those ...annoying ...things, Cid."

God shrugged. "I know, they seem to be multiplying ridicilously fast! They're destroying my pretty planet!"

Squall smiled. "They're no good, you mean?"

"I believe that some do have good intentions."

"Prove it."

"Well, look at him!" Cid pointed at a random old geezer fishing in his seventies. "He seems to be clean."

Squall sighed. " Sure, this old man SEEMS clean, but let's dig into his past, shall we?"

Cid took out a file. "Let's see...Adler Nolan...nope nothing."

Squall took the file out of God's hands. "Let me see that! As if you're trustworthy!"

"I'm God, you dumbass."

"AH! He stole a chocolate bar from his best friend!"

Cid shook his head. "How old was he you nutcase?"

"....3."

"Such a crime! DEATH PENALTY!" Cid laughed his ass off.

"...whatever."

"Here's my proof! He killed 6.436.973 mosquitos!"

"Wouldn't you, Squall?"

"Why won't you let me have some fun here?! GODDAMNIT!!!"

"HEY!

"I'm sooooo sorry!." Squall said sarcastically.

"Apology accepted." Cid smiles.

"You dumbass....." Squall mutters.

"What's that?"

"....my arse itches, scratch it for me will ya?"

"EEEW!"

"....whatever! I can prove that your...pets! Are NO GOOD!"

"Sheez, Squall. I can prove the opposite."

"Wanna bet? I get to pick the person though."

Cid lifts his eyebrow. "What's the prize?"

"You must destroy mankind and recreate everything! MUHAHAHAHA!"

"And if I win? What will I get?"

"I dont know...you choose!"

Cid smiles evilly. "You'll have to stick your head into an elephants arse and eat his shit."

Squall shivers..."I'd better not lose."

* * *

Well, this is the end for now, tell me what you think!

I'll update this anyway.

And um. This is the first time I wrote in html so ...there will probably be some mistakes. But I'll fix them! Don't worry!

Bye Bye!


	2. Chapter 2

God, The Devil and Seifer

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, blabla.

And I would like to thank all of my reviewers who enjoyed my story! And yes, this is a Quiefer/Seiftis, but they're not the main theme of the story. It's about Seifer and his life. As a kindergarten teacher. 

And just for the record, I DO NOT HATE anybody. Although some characters may seem or act dumber. But I do not dislike them.

* * *

Part 2 

"Now that our deal has been made, Cid, I, Squall Bartello Dennis Damien Guy Rob Marcus XXIII, will point at a random person and make his or her life a LIVING HELL! GHAHAHA!...*caugh*...whatever."

"A-hem?!" Cid corrects him.

"Oh, right. We'll follow him or her around and see if he or she is a good person. Now..."

Cid's eyes nearly explode out of his head from the excitement. "Come on! HURRY!"

"Hush!" Squall says.

Suddenly, God, the devil and his little helper Rinoa are surrounded by television screens, that displays every little puny human. Squall's slave Rinoa blindfolds him, spins him around, and there Squall went! Until he bounced his little pinky against a monitor! POW! 

"Ow, my PINKY!" Squall kisses his precious pink that points at ...Seifer Almasy. 

Cid lifts his chin. "Hmmm...Let's see how he has lived to date." Cid searches for his file in the almighty 'closet'. 

"Here it is! Seifer Almasy, 25, wedded to Quistis Trepe-Almasy, occupation is kindergarten teacher, he hates kids the most....that's not a real good mix now is it..?" 

"Blablabla!" Squall interrupts. "Rinnypoo, could you rub my horns, please?" 

Rinoa walks up to her master. "Because you asked it so sweetly." She giggles. 

"Now," Squall continues "as I said, blablabla; we'll follow him around until he makes a fatal mistake, got that, Cid?" 

"What do you claim under those mistakes?" 

"Murder and crap." Squall thought a bit further. 

"OOH! And stuff, Squally?" Rinoa squeels. 

"...whatever. And don't call me that infront of others!" 

"Sorry Squally-Wally." 

Squall sighs. 

"Even though I am sure that I cannot trust you, Squall, seeing you eating poo is a funny sight and worthwhile." 

Squall fakes a smile. "Hilarious."

Cid extends his hand. 

"To good people." 

"To end all living creatures." 

* * *

Deling City-Kindergarten Sunflower...."Now kids, it's almost naptime!" Teacher Almasy claims.

"You hafta read story!" Little demon1 smiles sweetly at him.

Seifer feares all little kids and feares demon1 too. "...Will it shut you freaks up?..." He mutters.

"Wha, mista Amesy?!" Demon2 screaches into his left ear.

Seifer sighs. _Another boring day..._ he thought. "I said; Yes, of course, if you kids want to...Now all lay down on the floor... so I can run you over with my BMW... And now I'll begin...um...Once upon a time there was...blablabla....." 

* * *

Sometime later, Seifer was talking on the phone with Quistis while he drove home.

"Stupid little demons...what do their parents feed them in the morning.. SUGARPUFFS?!..." Seifer yells though the phone. 

"Honey, calm down. I know you hate them, but you were once just as horrible as them, you know? 

"..I want another job." 

"You'll lose our agreement then." 

"I know, but-" 

"So, either you'll teach them for 7 more months or I'll make sure that you'll get me pregnant. So YOU can have your own little demon for YOURSELF!" 

"WHY?!" 

"Sei, I just need you to like them. I want a lovechild from you! I love you." 

"...Love you to. But there are other ways to torture me, you know." 

She giggles. "I know, but this one seems okay. Look, I need to go now okay? I'll see you back home, okay?" 

"Sure..bye." They hung up. 

Seifer turns up the volume at a song. 

"...burn little demons BURN! dundundundundundundundundund-" Seifer sang and started snickering madly. 

"You must hate them, don't you?" 

"Yes indeed, I do...Hey? Was that me?" 

"No." 

"....Who are you?" Seifer asks scared. 

"They call me Dinehaklumuruzaaradoorhäger." 

"Say what?" Seifer fronses his eyebrows. 

"Sorry, they call me the devil." 

Seifer laughs a little. "OH! Yeah! And I LOVE KIDS!" 

"You don't believe me then?" 

"Why should I?....Am I talking to me now?" 

* * *

YAY ! I'll update when I can!  
I hope you enjoyed it! And if you have any ideas! 

Tell ME! BYE!


	3. Chapter 3

God, The Devil and Seifer

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, blabla.

And I would like to thank all of my reviewers who liked my story! 

Oh, yes and Vegakeep...those were exactly my thoughts....poor Seiferpoo....gnagna...

* * *

"You dumbass, no, you are talking to me, the devil, got it?!" 

"...Sure, whatever you say." Seifer's face turns dead serious. Then he bursts out snickering.

Squall, looking awfully pissed. "Look, if I grant you one wish, would you believe me then?" 

"Maybe." 

"Okay! What's your wish?" 

"OOOH! Let's go get some weed?" Seifer answers sarcastic.

"You fancy Holland, huh." Squall snaps his fingers and they end up in the slums of Timber. They see two junkies fighting. 

A few moments ago... 

"OH NO! We're out of crack!" Pothead1 complained. 

"What do we do now?" pothead2 said. 

A crackhead came along. "Yo dudes! I'VE GOT CRA-ACK!" The crackhead ate it. 

"Oh oh, he's dangerous when he's high!" Pothead1 screamed. 

"No, I am NOT!" The crackhead implied. Then he suddenly started kicking away some trashcans..."...Wraf?WOOF! WRAF!!" ....Crackhead obviously started barking too. 

Pothead1 came up to him and rubbed him behind his ear. "There boy." 

Crackhead no like that. He bit the pothead in his hand. 

"OWOOOOW! THAT HURT YA BLOODY ASSHOLE!" Pothead1 punched crackhead on the nose. 

Seifer stares blankly at the fighting junks. "....okay...Where am I?"

"You wanted weed? Go get some weed." Squall says.

Seifer looks at his surroundings. "That was a JOKE, MR. DEVIL."

Squall snickers. "Huh, sarcasm, that is?"

"Look, mister whoeveryouare. I need to get home, my wife may be worried, OKAY?" Seifer says bored. 

"That's SIR Devil for you, got it?! And I will not return you until you believe me!" 

"...Okay." 

"What?" Squall asks confused. 

"You're the devil, I believe you. Now bring me back." 

"Is this a lie to take you back?" 

Seifer sighs and shakes his head. "Why don't you show yourself? I always wondered what the devil would look like." 

"...As you wish." 

Smoke appears, the junkies run away, crying like babies, and everything goes dark....POW! and everything turns back to normal. 

There he was, Squall, the devil, clad in black and two shiny red horns on his head. "There, satisfied?"

Seifer giggles like a little schoolgirl. "You're so ...SCARY, dude!"

Squall folds his arms. "I'll ignore that last comment, thank you." 

Seifer shrugs. "Wonderfull, could you bring me back now?" 

"If you invite me for dinner." 

Seifer smiles relieved. "Sweet. Want me to set you up with a woman to, sir Leatherpants?"

Squall raises his left eyebrow. "Are you mocking me, mortal Almasy?"

"No no no! You look sooo pwetty!" Seifer says girlish. 

"...Apologize." 

"No." 

"I'll castrate you." 

Seifer gulps. "Sorry." 

"Sorry what?" 

"Sorry, sir devil." 

The devil patts him on his shoulder. "Don't worry, already. And call me Master, all of my servants do!"

"Servant, huh? It's not like I have a choice, MASTER. Anyway, do something about the horns, will ya, you'll scare the hell out of my wife." 

Squall touches his horns. "I see. Oh, well. Anything for a good meal." He smiles at Seifer. "Let's go Seifer, my pal!" He snapps his fingers. And they are back in Seifer's car, parked infront of his garage. 

* * *

Well, this was part 3. I've already started with 4, but I wanted to see if I would receive a few more reviews/ideas/comments. We'll see. Bye bye! I hoped you enjoyed this chapter, and I wish you all lotsa fun, inspiration and creativity.


	4. Chapter 4

God, the Devil and Seifer.

Disclaimer: ....*scratches ass*.... 

I just wanted to say that everything in italics are their thoughts, and if that doesn't work, I assume that you guys are probably smart enough to figure out what they're saying or muttering/ thinking it, right? 

* * *

Part 4

"Beautifull, I'm home!"  
"Hey honey! Where have you been?" Quistis yells from the kitchen.  
Seifer hangs up his trenchcoat, heads into the kitchen and kisses Quistis on her cheek. "Um, I met up with an old friend of mine, mind if he joins us for dinner?"  
She smiles at him. "That's fine." She extends her hand to Squall. "Hello, I'm Quistis, nice to meet you."  
Squall gladly took it, and kisses it. "The pleasure is all mine."  
Quistis blushes. She turns to Seifer. "Maybe you should wear leather pants sometime." She winks at Seifer.  
Seifer's eyes widen. "WHAT?!"  
Quistis laughs a little. "I bet you'll look great in them." She turns to Squall. "What's your name anyway?"  
"I'm Squall, Squall...um...._I can't say Lucifer...or demon or devil...um_-"  
"Squall Pimpinpoo." Seifer interrupts.  
Quistis giggles at that. "Pimpinpoo?"  
"PIMPINPOO!?!" Squall exclaims. "It's Squall Leonheart." He gives Seifer an evil glare and smiles back at Quistis.  
"Oh, sorry, it's just been so long, Squall!" Seifer slaps Squall on the back. "Isn't that right, Squall?"  
Squall continues his evil glare.  
"Dude, Stop that please."  
".......whatever."  
The doorbell rings. "I'll get that." Quistis says.  
Quistis opens the door and Rinoa barges in. "Squall?! WERE YOU JUST FLIRTING WITH BLONDIE?!" She screeches.  
Squall sighs. "No, I was not."  
Rinoa looks confused. And thought on for 3 more silent minutes..."Okay, Squally."And gives him a kiss on his nose. She smiles brightly.  
Squall slaps his forehead. "Quistis, Seifer meet my..um fiancé, Rinoa. Rin, this is Seifer and Quistis."  
She smiles at them and looks back at Squall. "Squally wally, where are your horns?"  
Squall forgot about that. "Um...I don't know what you're talking about."  
She points at his head. "You know, those red little pins?"  
"...*sweatdrop* I left them at home dear."  
She giggles. 

"Anyway... YOU PROMISED YOU'D TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER TONIGHT!" 

"Forgot...whoops, well Sei, since you owe me dinner, I'll be ba-ack!"  
"Oh great." Seifer answers sarcastic.  
"I'll let you guys out." Quistis says.  
"It's okay miss, we know our way."  
Rinoa waves at the two, Quistis smiles back at them and turned to Seifer when the door closed. "Okay! Honey, you might go do something else because dinner won't be ready within an hour.  
"I'll be with Irv, call me if you need anything." And he left after he gave his wife a quick kiss.  
"Bye Sei." 

**** 

"WHAT? You DONT believe in love at first sight?! Do I have to walk by AGAIN?!" Irvine hollers at a 30 year old woman.

She flees.

"Hey Irv, bothering the ladies again?"  
Irvine smiles. "Howdy neighbor! Um...no, I was just trying to make a conversation."  
Seifer gves him a '_tell me'_ glare. Irvine sighs.  
"I was telling that woman that she looked terribly, terribly beautifull."  
"Then why did she run away?"  
"Because she wouldn't let me finish my sentence."  
"...Sure, and I adore kids and my only dream is to make a soccer team of my own flesh and blood."  
"Okay!...I was asking her...where she got that dress from, because I was planning on cross-dressing sometime..."...Irvine picks his nose. Seifer looks at him with disgust. "But don't tell anyone, okay? it was suppose to be my secret. But now you know, you could join me! Then we can become CHICKIES together!"  
Seifer stares at his chest. "Nah, I'll just look and Quisty if I want to see a real woman."  
Irvine sighs. "That's too bad, Almasy." He shakes his head. "Wanna go grab a beer at Dincht's?  
"Sweet, but I have to get back within an hour though."  
"Why? Quisty is in her mistress mode today? Can't get enough of that bondage!?" *wink wink*

Seifer grins nervously. _-How did he find out? I didn't scream that loud, did I?-_ He thought. "Uh no. A man's gotta eat."  
Irvine scratches his bum. "Riiiight. You mean eat as in whipcream from her niples."  
*sigh* "Anyway...your car or mine?  
"Let's take our BMW!" Irvine screeches and strikes a masked muchacho pose.  
"You mean MY BMW?"  
Irvine snorts. "Which you bought from Quistis' money."  
"It's still mine...why do you always pick my car?" Seifer whines.  
"Because! MY 100 year old Chevy can't take much more, so I'll consider any other solution so I won't harm my pumpkin."  
Seifer looks at the ...crap. "You know, a single leaf could break it down." He comments.  
"Really?"  
"You could get it fixed, you know?"  
"Hmmm, you'll pay?"  
"As your birthday present?"  
"Nah! That's in 7 months! I'll just leave it like this and you can spend that money on my new horse!"  
"Car."  
"That's what I said you poohead."

Seifer shrugs and they ride off to Zell's ~Hot/beer/dogs Pub. 

"Ack! Get outta HERE! You-you-YOU UGLY DONKY!"They hear a woman scream.  
They step insede the pub and notice Meg, Zell's fifth girlfriend of the month aka the crackhead, throwing beer bottles at Squall, who forgot to put his horns away.  
_-So this is his place to take a girl out to dinner, huh?-_ Seifer thinks.  
Rinoa appears from behind a counter and starts throwing bottles at Irvine and Seifer.

"What's with you, WOMAN!? PMS!?" Irvine barks.  
"That bitch is hurting SQUALLY!" She complains.  
"Then throw some at her, not at us!"

She blinks a few times. "YEAH! That's a marvellous idea! I AM SUCH A GENIUS!" She throws beer bottles at Meg.  
Squall snorts, gave Meg some crack and she left. Rinoa heavs and hopps to Squall. "Look! I made that tittyless bitch go away! WHEE!" And hopps around the wrecked pub some more. 

Zell suddenly bursts in. "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BEAUTIFULL PUB!?!" 

* * *

Well people, that's it for today, the fifth chapter will be in within 3 weeks and will replace the current fifth chapter! 

And I want to thank all my deary readers/reviewers. And I want to thank Martijn for helping me with the crossdressing Irvine stuff. 

Bye people! I'll see you guys later!


	5. Chapter 5

God, the devil and Seifer Part 5 

Disclaimer: Everytime I fart, I feel like laughing, do you have that too? Anyway, don't you guys think that only the first chapter should have a disclaimer and the rest none? Because, what counts it the first will count later too, right?....Did you guys notice that even after five chapters, not even one day went by? 

Yeah well, I'd like to thank all of my deary reviewers who I love dearly, yes yes, and those people are um..Paris, Vick330, Kamela, TheBlackRaveness, Water-lily43, Amber Tinted, Vegakeep, anime-diva, CelesteSpring, my very first reviewer: little eartquakes, and the anonymous people.  
Yeah well um...you keep my farts coming really.  
WEEE! And my special reviewers are Vickypoopypoo and Waterpoo and um...the rest who reviewed every chapter.........would you like to share my brain? No? Oh, poo. I'm really intelligent...wanna know my secret? No? Poo for you! I HATE ALCOHOL BECAUSE THEY DAMAGE MY PRETTY BRAINCELLS! 

And Vickypoo said something like no more centering so I won't. Nobody minds that anyway. 

That's all I had to say, I forgot the rest...You may start reading the story now. 

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Zell starts plucking out hair from his head.  
_Good thing he doesn't have a machinegun._ Seifer thinks.  
"WHO DID THIS?!"  
Squall points at the door that leads to Meg, while giving a sad puppy face to Rinoa. "It was that bitch who threw bottles at me."  
"Damnit Meg. Tch! She must've ran out of crack again." Zell laughs. "Oh damn. This chick is ruïning me! Repair my pub, buy her crack! Do you guys know how much money that costs!?!" He yells at the remaining costumers who Meg didn't scare away. He turns to the door. "YO MEG~!"  
Her head peeks from behind the door. "...you rang?"  
"Crackhead, I gotta break up with you."  
She quickly sniffs some crack. "...uh...meaning?"  
"Meaning that you should PACK YA STUFF AND GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!!!"  
"....where do I stay?" She sniffs some more.  
"See if I care. Go get a paperbox or something. And don't come back, you dope addicted fool."  
"... ya still buy me crack?"  
"No."  
Meg starts crying. "But I love CRACK! OH SHITE! I LOVE YOU!"  
"GET THE FUCK OUT!"  
Meg runs out crying.  
Rinoa turns to Zell and starts rubbing his muscular arms. "Rrrrrrrrrrr." She purrs. "You are so cruel. YOU'RE TURNING ME ON!" Starts blowing Zell in his ear.  
He giggles.  
Squall pulls her at her hair. "Come back here, you little hoe."  
"That's not how you treat a lady!" Irvine tells Squall.  
Squall glares at him. "You're telling me how I should handle my woman?"  
"YEAH! If you want her attention; do this!" He suddenly pats Squall's buttocks.  
"DID YOU JUST TOUCH MY ARSE?!" Squall exclaims. "Oh, you're going DOWN!" He barks. He was about to penetrate Irvine's head with his horns so he could suck out his life and eat up his brains but Seifer stopped him.  
"Don't, he's wasted anyway."  
Squall rolls his eyes. "But I need energy. GOTTA EAT...UGH! Hey owner!"  
Zell nudges at him. "Yeah?"  
"Got something to eat?"  
"Hotdogs."  
"And?"  
"The hotdog special of the day."  
"Other than hotdogs?"  
"....mustard, ketchup, mayonaise and curry."  
"....I see. What's in the special?"  
"A beautifull magnificent hotdig that lies within sweet bread with a sweet beer flavour."  
Squall shudders. _Yuck._ He thought. _How can mortals create such filthy food?_ "Then I'd like the special for my girl and a hotdog with ketchup for me."  
"Comin' right up!" And Zell walks to the back.  
"Hey Squall, is this what you call dinner?"  
Squall looks at Seifer. "It wasn't hell until that freakin' crackhead came in. And besides, I don't hear my woman complaining!" Rinoa and Squall sit down by the bar. "You're the best Squally!" And starts rubbing his horns.  
"Hmmmm...that's good Rinny." He murmers.  
Zell comes back and places their hotdogs in front of them. "There ya go. That'll be 6 gil."  
Squall hands him the money. Seifer and Irvine take a seat next to Squall.  
"Hey guys;" Zell welcomes Seifer and Irvine. "How's Quis?"  
"She's fine."  
Irvine pouts. "Aren't you gonna ask me how I'm doing, cowboy?"  
"...eh? How are you doing?"  
"I need to get laid I tell you. I haven't had sex with a **real** woman since Selph left me." He sighs.  
Zell smirks. "Sorry dude, but I can give you one thing that'll soothe the pain..." He takes out _'Shumibiro'_, the newest, the strongest and the not-tested-yet alchoholic drink. "Take this and you'll feel the feeling you're having right now, only 700 times STRONGER! And! You'll get it for free because you're the first one to try it in my bar!" Zell hands him the bottle.  
Irvine drinks it.  
"Zell, is this really such a good idea?" Seifer asks.  
He scratches the back of his head. "Not really."  
*burp* "Yo dude, when will it kick in?" Irvine asks while reading the ingredients.  
"Uh...I heard 20 minutes tops, so it won't take long, that's for sure.  


7 minutes later.... 

Rinoa and Irvine sit in a corner. "So Sephy *burp* she-she left me to become a dancer...and ...shite... *farts* no one hired her, because she's so loud and HYPER...and she needed money...so I sent her money but ...but SHE USED IT TO BUY CRACK!!! And then she needed more money ...SO SHE BECAME A STRIPPER AND WHORE WAAAA~!" Irvine cries some more and sobs over Rin's shoulder.  
"It's okay, Irvy, at least she's still alive."  
"NOOOOOO! *fartfartfart* It's NOT OKAY! She's suppose ta dance fo MEEE and be MY FUCKBUDDY!!" Cries some more.  
"Can't anyone make him stop?" Squall whines and takes a sip from his beer.  
"Maybe we should take him see her. It could be good for him." Zell says.  
"Oh yeah, another idea from the man who offers him alcohol!" Squall yells at him.  
"Hey, I didn't go to college! Don't expect me to know all the results of liquor!"  
"YOU OWN A FRICKIN BAR!" Squall throws back at him.  
Zell turns around and mopes in a corner.  
Seifer sighs. "Zell, don't take him seriously. It's not your fault that your braincells keep decreasing because you drink so much."  
Zell smiles at him. "Thanks."  
"Besides, it could be good for Irv. HEY IRV! Wanna go see Selph tonight?"  
Irvine looks at him. "Hey Sei, I didn't know you had a twin!*burp* WAAAAA! What am I gonna say to her?! SEPHYBABY! I CHEATED ON YOU WITH MY RIGHT HAND!" Cries harder.  
"No, you could ask her if you could go out sometime again-"  
"And if she could lay you for free one time." Squall interrupts Seifer.  
Irvine shoots up. "OHMYGOD! That's A GREAT IDEA, horndog!"  
"Watch it cowboy, want me to bite of your personal sexpistol?"  
Irvine laughs some more. "Hihihi!" Giggles some more.  
"Irv, mind if I come with you? Meg left so I might need some company after all."  
Irv nods like crazy. "YO SEI! Comin too?" He barks.  
"Nah, wanna spend some time with Quis."  
"That's too bad Seipoo! But at least you get LAID! You lucky-lucky FART!" He giggles. "AND YA SMELLY TOO!"  
Seifer shakes his head. "Well guys, I wish you a good night. I'm leaving."  
Irvine puts his arm around Rinoa. "Hey woman. Selph is MAH LIFE! I live to be with her!...Hey wait...Seiferpoo?"  
"Yes?" Seifer puts on jacket.  
"Who take me home?" He drools.  
"Zell will."  
"WHAT!? When did I say that!?"  
"You didn't, but you're his pal, just do it."  
"Tch...okay."  
Squall starts smelling Rin's tits.  
"What are you doing Squally?" She giggles.  
"I'm burying my face between your pretty boobs."  
"That's so sweet!"  
Zell shudders. "Ya, sure."  
Squall looks up at Irv. "Hey cowboy, my woman and me are coming with you, mind?"  
"Dude! THE MORE THE MERRIER!" He screams into Squall's ear. He grabs his balls and jumps around as if he's riding a horse. "MAN! I'm gonna get laid! L-A-I...T!"  
Seifer puts some gil on the counter for the beer he had. "Later."  
"Thought you'd left already." Zell said.  
"I know, but I had lost my keys, but I found them again."  
"Oh, bye Sei, say hi to Quis, okay?"  
Seifer smirks at him and leaves.  
*burp*"Like, what time we be leavin?" 

* * *

Well, hope you enjoyed this.  
Chapter six will be in within now and June 16, so...but I'll contact my readers if I know your email.  
Later,

Danii


	6. Chapter 6

God, the devil and Seifer

Part 6

Disclaimer; ....good morning.

de la Rosa; Have fun d00ds!  
Another interesting fact; I have given 560 signed reviews by now. HAHA! I wonder if that's a lot...is it? 

* * *

"Like, what time we goin' to see Sephybabe?" Irvine asks.  
"Around 9pm. " Squall exclaims.  
"Who the hell do you think you are?! We don't even know you and you just tell us when to do what...ARGH!" Zell suddenly gets a headache. Squall just laughs at him. "Mortals....huh, they should know who they're screaming at."   
"Damn, I wonder where that came from." Zell thinks out loud; he looks at Squall and shudders. "You give me the creeps man!"  
"Why? Am I that scary?"  
"No! You dress so dark ...but you still look like a sissy girl! HAHAHA!" Zell laughs.  
Squall no like that.  
"AAAH! HEADACHE!" Zell winces in pain.

"Oh Sephybaby!" Irvine sings. "I'm gonna see ya strip for meeee! WEEE!" ...spins around the stripping pole in Zell's pub. "WEE! I'm tha best stripperman!" Spins even harder...let's go and slams into the wall...giggles some more.  
"Zell sighs. "Can't we go now...I'm bored." "YEAHYEAHYEAH!" Irvine jumps out of excitement.  
"Isn't it a bit early, it's just past dinnertime." Squall finishes his hotdog.  
"It's not like we have anything else to do." Zell says.  
"LET'S GO!" Irvine smacks everyone on the head and pulls Squall by his horns. "GO HORSEY!" Squall kicks him in the face. "STOP THAT YOU IDIOT!" and kicks him some more. "AND THIS IS FOR EVERY MOTHER- IN-LAWS YOU CREATED, CID!"  
"Squally stop it!" Rinoa screams.  
"Huh? Oh sorry, got carried away."  
....Irvine lays quietly on the floor.  
"You killed him!" Zell screams.  
"Shut up. I did not kill him, the cowboy was too wasted to feel the pain anyway."  
"I AM NOT HEARING HIM BREATHING!"  
Irvine snores...*fartfart fartfart*  
"See, he was alive. It was probably just you. You were the one screaming so loud."  
"I was not."  
"You were screaming like a fucking chicken."  
Zell snorts at Squall."  
"Can we just go now guys?" Rinoa asks.  
Irvine farts. "Mi-auw!" giggles.  
Squall looks at Irvine. "Uh yeah, let's go." Squall implies.  
"Is ya woman the boss of you leatherpants? Who's the chicken now?"  
"..ugh..chicken...eggs...babies...shagshag...doggystyle...ass...pat that ass...YEAH BABY!" Irvine opens his eyes and notices Rin's butt...and bites it. "GRRR!"  
"OOH!" she moans. "That's good...you could learn something from him!"  
Zell stares weirdlooking at Irvine. "Hey, Irvine's back alright. Guess the Shumibiro didn't work long anyway."  
"Stop touching her, mortal." Squall growls.  
Irvine growls back, but pouts his lips looking like a duck." Me touch her."  
"YOU BAD!" Squall screams at him.  
Irvine retreats like a dog.  
"Let's just go already! I'll carry Irvine to my car. And you guys, just follow me. You probably don't know your way around." Zell says.  
Squall shrugs. "Whatever."

They step outside and notice a big paper box across the street. Zell sighs because Meg was sitting in it.  
"Let's move!" Rinoa pushes Zell towards his car.  
"ZELL!" Meg squeels. "PLEASE TAKE ME BACK!"  
Zell thinks about it.

Two seconds later...Zell is still thinking...thinking.  
"SAY YES ALREADY!" Irvine screams at him.  
Zell glares at him...and keeps on thinking.

And because Zell is still thinking we will go pay a little visit to Seifer and Quistis, eating dessert while watching little Seifer DVD's. You see, Quistis made this a costum. They're sitting their sofa while Quistis squeels at every little cute things he does.  
Today, they're watching a 2 year old Seifer, being bathed by his mother, sitting in a tub playing with a yellow rubber duck. he giggles and kisses it.  
Quistis points at Seifer and laughs at him. "YOU KISSED A DUCK!"  
"I WAS TWO!" Seifer defends.  
"...love ducky..." He rambles. DVD shows his mother in shock. "Dauragon...he just said his first words!" She squeels in delight.  
"I know. And it's _'love ducky'_." A male voice says. Seifer's mom slaps him. "Oh who cares! My babyboy said something!"  
Quistis pauses the DVD. "I thought you told me that your first words you said was _'boobs'_?"  
Sei shrugs. "Did I?...was I drunk by any chance?"  
Quistis lays down and places her head on his lap. "Don't remember." Starts DVD up again. "You know... why don't you go see your dad again?"  
Seifer rolls his eyes. "We've been over this, babe. And after what he did, I don't think I want him near you."...  
"But you didn't even give him a chance to explain."  
He takes a sip from his coffee. "What's there to explain? He kissed you! On our wedding day, damnit!"

*flashback*

Seifer approaches his father, noticing that his dad is talking really cozy to someone. But when Dauragon notices his son, he grabs the woman behind him, and kissed her; Quistis.

*End flashback* 

"But you haven't seen him for three years!"  
"So? Another decade won't matter."  
"Sei, what if he's dying?"  
He grins. "That would be nice, wouldn't it?"  
"Sei, please?"  
Seifer eyes her suspiciously. "What do you care babe? You wanna feel his lips on yours again?" She slaps him on his arm. "Oh! Screw you! No. I just want you two to have a normal father-son relationship."  
Seifer sighs. "...what if he comes on to you again? Would you leave me for-"  
"Sei! No! I would never, and besides. I don't know but, I don't think it was his purpose to kiss me like that."  
"What did he want, shag you instead?"  
"No, he did it rather sudden, and when he looked at me after what he did... I don't think he realised what he had just done."  
Seifer stares at her for a while. "..."  
"Look Seifer, just call him. Please?"  
"No."  
"Please?"  
"No."  
"...No sex for you for a whole week!"  
"WHAT?!... oh...FINE! Just gimme the damn phone."  
She smiles at him and gives him a kiss. "Love you."

A few seconds later...tuut tuut tuut..."Yeah hello?"  
"uh...hello, may I speak to Dauragon Almasy please?"  
"Yes of course...DAURAGON PHONE!" Seifer hears some footsteps. "Coming!...Hello, this is Dauragon speaking."  
"Dad?"  
"...Seifer? Is that you?"  
"...of course. Why? Do you have another child roaming around then?"  
"No son, of course not. But you wouldn't even look at me the last time we said goodbye."  
"Yeah well, Quistis made me."  
"...oh."  
"So, uh, I wondered if I could come by sometime."  
"Sure son! Is tomorrow alright?"  
"That soon?"  
"Is that a bad thing?"  
"...guess not. So, okay, around 1pm?"  
"Fine with me."  
"..."  
"Anything else, Sei?"  
"What's your address?"  
"Oh? Didn't your mother give that too you after I left?"  
"Not really."  
"Oh anyway, got writing gear ready?"  
"...got it."  
"Okay, I live in I-pee-in-a-potty at monkeydoody "  
"...is that some kind of joke."  
"OF COURSE IT IS! *laughs* Here you go; I live in Dollet, Dorianblue 72b...got it?"  
"Yeah."  
"...So I guess I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight son."  
"Night dad."  
"Love you, Sei."  
"..." Click. 

And now that Zell finally agreed on taking Meg with them; those guys finally arrived at the stripclub where Selphie works.  
Irvine walks up to a commercial poster. He reads; "Friday night, that's today...the one and only TwitchySelphie exclusively in a bunny suit! OOH! *drools* Can we go in? Pleasepleaseplease?"  
"JUST GO!" Squall was highly pissed because Irvine drove with him and Rinoa since Zell and Meg wanted to be alone...to do stuff. They couldn't even stop giggling after they stepped outside of their car.

*flashback*

"Hey Zin?" "It's Rin." "Yeah Zin, that's wha I say! Anyway...did you know...that I used to be a squirrel!"  
Rinoa glances at Squall who shrugs. "Oh really?"  
"Yeah, wanna know how I died? Yeah, I flew against a rising airplane!"  
"Did it hurt?"  
"HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO KNOW!"  
"..."  
"And I was a one-day-fly...for like 387 times. Sometimes I lived a nice life, bugging people. But sometimes, I used to be squashed like a pancake!" And so it went on. 

*End flashback*

And after a little arguement, Zell and Meg stayed outside to do...stuff while Squall and Rinoa went inside, following Irvine.

* * *

de la Rosa; Yeah yeah...I ALREADY HAVE PLANS FOR OTHER CHAPTERS! so...  
I'll see you guys around..later. 


	7. Chapter 7

God, the Devil and Seifer

  
Part 7

Disclaimer; I don't own the Tom Green Show nor the characters from ff8, I do own all the little demons and Meg.

A/N; I'm sorry I didn't update sooner. You probably don't care about what the reasons are but ...

Just have fun reading this.

* * *

"WooWOOHWOOOH!" Irvine does freakdance. "Where is my Selphybabe?" He looks around cupping his eyes with rounded hands making them look like glasses, and notices a 'special opening' titled BoombaWoom. Irvine didn't see Selphie anywhere so headed into that BoombaWoom and makes himself comfortable on a sofa.  
Rin and Squall mindlessly follow him.   
A nasty looking guy comes on stage. "And now, Lady;" motions to Rinoa and winks. She shudders.   
"- and Gentlemen, the act you've all been waiting for! TWIIIITCHYYSELPHIEEE!" He shrieks and coughs. Men cheer.  
"I wonder why they call her twitchy?" Rinoa mumbles to Squall. He shrugs.

Selphie comes on stage, cheesy porn music is played, men cheer and ogle her.  
She does her stripstuff but she keeps twitching her eyes.

"Oh, that's why." Rinoa says.

But when Selphie was about to take off her bra, Irvine jumped on stage, pretending he's Tarzan. He screams at her: "Me Irvine, you HOT!" and 'kidnaps' her. Yeah, kidnapping her after falling offstage with an angry, and kicking, Selphie over his shoulder. He quickly ran out of the stripclub while Rinoa and Squall follow them.

Irvine dived into the backseat motioning to Zell, who was doing the nasty with Meg in the backseat. "ZELL! DRIVE!" and makes himself comfortable in the passengerseat. Zell drives back home safely before mad people from the stripclub could follow them.

Squall and Rinoa obviously decided to stay. "That Irvine is really aberrant." Squall comments, Rin nods and went back inside and to hell after a few hours.

"Hey Selph," Zell smiles at a pissed off Selphie. "Long time no see, you look GREAT!"   
Selphie slaps Irvine on his arm. "How could you do that to me!"  
Irvine smiles broadly at her. "Oh Selphie, I love you so much!"  
She growls at him. "Don't you know how much money I'm missing out because of you!? 10.000 frickin GIL!" Slaps him some more.  
"I'll make it up to you, I swear!" Selphie kept slapping him the whole ride home.

After Zell and Meg said goodnight to Irvine and Selphie they went back to Zell's place...with Meg being homeless and all.

Selphie finally agreed to stop arguing. And made Irvine sleep on the bathroomfloor after he tried to have sex with her. She headed to bed, and so did Irvine after Seifer called him to ask him if he would replace him tomorrow at Kindergarten...he agreed.

So everybody got a good nightsleep...everybody except for Zell, Meg, Quistis and Seifer that is HA! ...Don't even start thinking about all the stuff Rinoa and Squall could be doing.

That morning, after Seifer made sure Quistis was alright, she had been throwing up all morning, he left for Kindergarten.

Once he had arrived he announced that Irvine would be taking over today. "So, at 11:30, a funny guy named Irvine, will teach you!" He winces. "...that's another 150 minutes."   
"But we don't wanna miss you!" Little demon4 yells and flung her arms around his legs. Seifer looks highly annoyed.

Some time later...  
"Mista Teacher?"  
Seifer nudges to little demon5, named Dewie. "...what?"  
"Where do babies come from?"  
Seifer grins. "Hell."  
Little demon5 fingerpaints his own face. "You lie."  
"No, I'm not. I am a teacher. I know EVERYTHING."  
Dewie makes handprints on Seifer's pants.

"Really? When was I born?"  
"Four years ago."  
Dewie's eyes grow in awe. "Whoa." He quickly runs over to the other kids and whispers things to them while some of them quickly take a peek at their teacher. After a minute or so some come up to him...asking him stupid stuff.

"Will I get rich?"  
"Is Mista Kinneas cute?"  
"Will I invent something awesome?"

Seifer runs into a corner and sobs. "Leave me ALONE."

Good thing for Seifer, Irvine arrived 20 minutes later.

"YO KIDS! UNCLE IRVY IS HERE!"

_Uncle PERVY, you mean._ Seifer snickers.

All kids stare at Irvine.  
"Mista Almasy, ya said we be havin another mista...not a girl!" Boys squirm and giggle. "EEEW COOTIES!"  
"Just because Mister Irvine has a ponytail, doesn't mean that he is a she okay?" Seifer nudges to Irvine.  
"I have to go now, man. You gonna be okay?"  
"OF COURSE! Just go!"   
Seifer shrugs and leaves.

A few girls run into a corner, gossiping.  
Dewie whispers out loud. "Is she normal? Girls THIS BIG should have boobies!" Kids giggle.  
Irvine makes a funny face. "I am NOT a girl. I AM A MAN, got it?"  
Little demon6 pulls Irvine by his pants. "You don't sound like a girl!" She giggles.

"It's a HESHE!" All boys start laughing and giggling.  
Little demon6 clings to Irvine's leg. "I think he's cute!" She exclaims. Some girls giggle. Irvine pats her on her head.

"You have cooties! You have COOTIES!" Dewie screams and points at Little demon6. She sobs.  
Irvine picks her up and starts comforting her. "It's okay, cooties don't exist. Dewie is just jealous because he wants to be with you!" She makes a funny face and boys start laughing at Dewie. He balds his fists and starts running around like a madman.

Selphie had been taking care of Quistis and they have some fun together. They're comfortably on the couch while watching The Tom Green Show. They start talking about stuff.  
"So, Irvine was all horny and hyper. He was like moving around like a fish does on dry land and then he made this noise: "Ga! gaga GAGAGAAaa!"...and that's how I lost my virginity!" They laugh and continue their talk.

"Selph, I have to tell you something."  
"What is it?"  
"I think I'm pregnant."  
Selphie laughs. "OH MY GOD!" Laughs even harder. "Poor SEIFER!"  
"Yeah, well, I guess he'll have to live with it."  
"But are you sure?"  
"...I think so, I threw up this morning and I was fine before all that!"  
"Should I go and get you some pregnancy test or whatever?"  
"If you want to."  
Selph stood up and pats Quistis on her knee. "Be back soon, hon!"

And in the meanwhile Seifer was merrily driving to his father's place, it was just 50 minutes to Dollet and was glad he had been able to escape from the little demons.

His parents had divorced after Seifer's marridge. Neither had explained why, so Seifer kept assuming it was because his dad had kissed Quistis.

Seifer sings along with the radio, but hears a second male voice singing with him. "Squall?"  
"Nah, you can call me God."  
Seifer looks into his frontmirror to see who sat in his backseat; a middle aged looking guy with a white cloak on and a pair of glasses.  
Cid (God) quickly motions to Seifer to watch the road.  
"So...umm...what are you doing here ...God?"  
Cid chuckles. "You believe I'm God so soon? Oh well, saves us some time, doesn't it?" He laughs. "Anyway, I've notived Squall swarming around you lately."  
"...So?"  
"Oh, I just wanted to say that you have to watch out for him."  
"I'm a big boy now, DADDY." He remarks sarcastically.  
Cid giggles. "Heehee, you're so funny! Anyway, I also have an assignment for you."  
Seifer moans. "You guys just CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF ME CAN YA?" He snorts. "What's my job, ALMIGHTY?"  
"I want you to prove that mankind can live together in peace."  
"What?! Don't you know how many people there are on this world?!"  
God shakes his head in disapproval. "No need for yelling, control your temper, boy. I just need you to try your best; only in your enviroment."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well umm, whenever people fight, I need you to get them together in peace!" He laughs.  
"...whatever you want, sir." He mocks. Cid smiles and folds his arms. "BUT; since I just have to much on my mind, I'll FUCKING PASS!" Seifer yells.  
Cid raises his voice. "YOU CAN'T DO THAT! I will END THE WORLD if you won't!" He threatens.  
"Oh? So soon... Oh well, might as well shag like monkeys with Quis." He makes a U-turn.  
"NOOO!" Cid turns car around with super powers. "You must complete your first assignment!"  
"ACK! And that may be?"  
"Making up with your father."  
Seifer snorts. "Honestly, I'll think I'll pick having sex with Quis over making up with my dad."  
Cid makes a funnyface. "What could persuade you Seifer?"  
"...be the ultimate lover? ...Yeah why the hell not. I want to be the perfect lover, FOREVER. So that my darling wife can brag to her stupid friends."  
"That can be arranged, I guess. Alright, will you be off to your father now?"  
"No, I want a raise too, people don't know how hard it is to be a teacher!"  
"That can be done too. Now go."  
"Yeah yeah, now leave me alone."

* * *

...Yeah I know, I finally updated.Oh well, next chapter will contain Seifer's visit to his dada. MUHAHAHA. And his dada's friend is ...not your regular friend. Oh well. My apologies.

I'll see ya guys around.  
Later. 


	8. Chapter 8

God, the Devil & Seifer

Part 8

Yeah, sorry for the long delay, but we all know school is a pain in the ass.  
But that's not really an issue so thanks for sticking by for such a long time and have fun!

* * *

After a long ride, Seifer finally arrives at his dad's place.  
He rings the doorbell and a very queer looking guy opens te door.  
Seifer thinks that the man seems familiar but doesn't quite remember from what occasion that was.

"Erm... does Dauragon Almasy live here?"  
"Oui oui!" The gay guy answers happily. "You must be Seifer! Entrez-vous!" The man squeels. He lets Seifer in and closes the door behind him. "Oopsydaisy!" He giggles and covers his mouth with a hand. "Let me introduce myself, I'm Francesco, I was a waiter at your wedding, do you remember moi?"  
Seifer smiles nervously. "Of course I do." He wasn't very fond of gay guys.  
Dauragon suddenly storms downstairs and embraces his son. "SEIFER!" While Seifer squirms, trying to get out of it.

The three men sit in the livingroom.   
Francesco sits next to Dauragon and Seifer across them.  
"So dad, *coughs* not to sound rude or anything, but why is Francesco here? I thought that this was a private matter?"  
Dauragon gives Francesco a look and shrugs. "He's a...a part of the story...yeah."  
Seifer nods.  
Silence  
"So! I'll make us some coffee then!" Francesco gets up and walks into the kitchen.  
Still, nobody's talking.  
Suddenly, a pizzabox comes flying from the kitchen and hits Dauragon on his head. "TALK ALREADY!" Francesco screeches.  
Dauragon rubs his head and squirms. "So...son, what do you want to know?"  
"Why you kissed my wife."  
"Yeah...umm THAT...okay, let's start at your wedding party, ...okay ...I was chatting up with everybody I knew and then I noticed him, Francesco. I knew I had to talk to him when I saw him. After half an hour we had gotten pretty close already and we had some ...physical contact...but then I saw you coming up to me and I-we were sort of 'entangled' so I panicked. I didn't know what to do! So I turned around and I saw a blond woman behind me, I figured that it was your mother, I swear! I spinned her around and kissed her! I found out it was Quistis after you punched me in the face."  
Seifer looks awfully disturbed. "...let me get this straight, you kissed my wife-"   
"Who I didn't know was Quistis!"  
"Yeah yeah, so you could hide the fact that you're gay?"  
Dauragon nods. "I thought you'd neglect me for the rest of your life."  
"And this is also the reason why you left mom?"  
Dauragon nods again. "Uh huh."  
Seifer stares at the floor. Dauragon stares at Seifer. "So ...you'll forgive me?"  
Seifer stands up. "Of course I will, dad..."  
Dauragon smiles.  
"I guess I will be leaving now."  
Dauragon looks disappointed. "Oh...alright."  
Dauragon gives Seife a quick hug as Francesco waves at Seifer. "See ya around, m'boy."  
"Sure pops." He smirks, happy knowing that his dad never was after Quistis. 

~*~

After Irvine came home from kindergarden he notices a note from Selphie on the table;

_I am SO PISSED at you Irv!  
I can't even look at you right now!  
WANNA KNOW WHY? Y O U STOLE my PANTIES! _*Irvine giggles*_  
So, if you have something to say, write it down cause I'm not even gonna look at you._

P.S. What's with the dog shampoo? You don't even have a dog you dumbass!  
P.S.2 Quisty's P R E G N A N T! Isn't that GREAT!

"OOH!" Irvine's eyes widen and decides to go over to Zell's bar, but not after leaving a note for Selphie!

_REALLY!? How did you find out? I'm TELLING SEI!  
I B O R R O W E D your panties, babe... I wanted to try them out.   
Won't you forive me? It'll save a lot of pen ink and paper you know, I like it 'orally'. SAVE THE TREES!  
And I buy dog shampoo against flees! I don't wanna have those! Do you?_

P.S. Can you cook me dinner, Zell's hotdogs STINK! I'd LOVE some beef, babe! LOVE YOU!

XXX Irv 'your hardworkin' pimp

~*~

Seifer was talking with Zell and Quistis, Selphie and Meg were talking upstairs when Irvine arrived. He slaps Seifer on his back. "Damn man, didn't think you had it in you." He winks.   
"Thanks, but I don't have any problems with my dad being gay, I'm glad we talked it through."  
"...oh. OHYEAH! You went to see your dad! How is he?"  
"He's fine."  
"So, what happened?"  
Seifer explains it all...

"Aah, oh well, at least your dad's happy, right?"  
Irvine nods a multiple times. "Yeah..."  
"Oh, why did you congratulate me Irv?"  
"Well DUH! You're gonna have a kid!"  
"...you're not funny Irv." Seifer sneers at Irvine.  
"I'm not lying! Selph told me!"  
"...Oh." Seifer turns pale and runs out to have a nice talk with his wife."

"Quistis?"  
"Yeah?" Quistis smiles sweetly at him.  
"Is there something you'd like to share with me, hunnybuns?" Seifer asks sarcastic.  
Quistis turns to look at Selphie who's chewing on her bottom lip muttering 'Irvine'.  
Quistis sighs. "Maybe." She smiles nervously.  
"Oh please tell me, dear wife."  
Quistis gives him an eye. "OH CUT THE CRAP! What did they tell you?!" She asks.   
"Irv told me that Selphie told him that you're pregnant. Is it true?"  
"Hmmpf...yes." She curses Selphie under her breath.  
"But I thought you were on the pill?!"  
"I stopped using it for a while..."  
"YOU WHAT!?"  
"SEI! I want children, now were getting some! SO THERE!" She sticks out her tongue and folds her arms.  
"ARGH...wait...'some'? ...were getting...some? HOW MANY?!"  
She smiles at him. "WE'RE GETTING TWIN BOYS!"  
Seifer stands there petrified. "But... how long have you been pregnant?"  
"Four and a half months. Haven't you noticed me fattening? I do have quite a belly now!" She runs over to hug him.  
"....Just don't give them girly names..."  
"I knew you'd understand! I LOVE YOU!" She smiles cheerfully at him."I can't wait! Just another four and a half months! They'll be born in..in August! OOH!"  
"...love you too, Quistis."  
"I haven't even thought of names yet!"  
Seifer walks away, being ignored and all, shuts the door behind him and sighs.

Squall suddenly appears behind him. "Life sucks doesn't it?"  
"Sure does." Seifer gives him an evil look. "Was this YOUR doing Squall? You just couldn't wait to give me twins, could you?"  
"The hell you accusing me of, boy? Birth is a 'blessing'...is that something that would be MY DOING? FUCK NO! *laughs* 'sides, it's YOUR sperm!"  
"How the hell was I suppose to know she stopped taking those pills? Tch... might as well quit teaching..."  
They wander downstairs and they plop down next to Zell on the couch. "But you're gonna get on hell of a raise, puny mortal. You do realize that you make even more than a lawyer and you just have to 'be there' for the ...demons."  
"...forgot...CRAP! ...Quistis wants me to like them anyway so..I guess I'll give it some more time." He takes a sip from his coffee.  
"Yo Irv," Zell starts. "Do you remember when the three of us were in High School you use to go into the girls' Bathroom? *snickers* Everybody thought that you thought that you were a girl!" He laughs out loud.  
"Oh? But I only went in there to write my phonenumber on the walls!" Irvine nods and scratches his head.  
Squall shrugs. "Erm...Zell was it?"  
"Yah?"  
"Do you serve breakfast?"  
"Heh, you don't have to be so formal, dude. Just ask : "GOT BREAKFAST?!" Zell smiles at him.  
"Uhh, sure, Zell."  
Seifer jabs Squall in the ribs. "He never went to college so don't go smart on him. He'll kick your ass."  
Squall sneers. "So? I'LL KICK HIS!" He turns back to Zell. "So, GOT BREAKFAST?! Or what?"  
"NO!" Zell bursts out laughing.  
"Retarded mutt foo." Squall mutters.  
"Nah, just kiddin' with ya! What would you like?"  
"Strawberry Quakers."  
Zell searches in a cupboard, pulls out a box of Chocopuffs and places it in front of Squall. "Here ya go!"  
"Those are not Strawberry Quakers."  
"Quit your whining! Cerial is cerial! NOW EAT!"  
"...got milk?"  
Zell gives him an out of date milk bottle.  
"Got spoon?"  
Zell gives him a spoon.  
"Got a bowl?"  
"YOU SURE ARE WHINY! HERE'S YA BOWL!"  
"....got milk?"  
"YOU HAVE MILK!"  
"BUT I WANT GOOD MILK!"  
"MILK IS MILK!"  
They both grumble and stare at each other.

"Now that's why I don't wanna have kids, Irv." Seifer mumbles to Irvine.  
"I hear ya."

* * *

So, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! And I hope that whoever reviews considers giving me positive ones because I'm sick...my throat hurts and I think I'm starting to cough up blood...oh well.

See ya guys around.

Danii 


	9. Chapter 9

God, the Devil and Seifer

part 9

Hiya! thanks for all the positive reviews! Hope you'll enjoy this chapter too!

HEY! I've given 1424 reviews! MUHAHAHA!

And another thing. Since Seifer and Quistis are getting boys, I'd like you guys to vote some names:

A. Colin  
B. Connor  
C. Something else(Suggest something)  
D. Gideon  
E. Aidan  
F. Ian  
G. Cody 

* * *

So the guys sat around a table, eating, drinking, talking and stuff.  
"So...you guys got anything to do tonight?" Irvine asks.  
Seifer shakes his head, Zell muffles a 'no' while stuffing his mouth with some more hotdogs and Squall shrugs.  
"Cooliyooli! Cause I wanted to go to that new disco on the other side of Deling, you know? So you guys wanna come?"  
"Eh? Irv, we're ...I'm OLD." Seifer comments.  
"WHAT?! OLD?! My ass, I am NOT OLD! We're 25!" Irvine squirms.  
"24." Zell muffles.  
"Shaddap ya wrinkled ass." Irvine pinches Zell in his nose, making his choke. "Anyways, I'm not old, WE ARE NOT OLD! But eitherway, me and Selphybabe are going, with or without you!" Irvine crosses his arms and puts his feet on the table.  
"EEEW Gross man!" Zell throws them off immediatly. "You got fucking doody on your shoe!"  
Irvine makes an 'Oh' face.  
"Count me in." Squall snickers. "Can't wait to see you make a fool out of yourself again, dude. Heheheh."  
"Cool! You gonna bring that foxy lady of yours too?" Irv swoons.  
"Rin? Yeah sure, if she wants to come."  
"Zell, you coming too?"  
Zell sighs. "I don't know. I don't think I can, you know? All the men who had fights with they're ugly wives will come by, the lonely men who're searching for a woman too, and then you got those alchoholics who'll probably storm in cause I'm not open on Sunday's. Heh, sorry, can't go."  
"I understand, Zellywelly. What about you Sei?"  
"I dunno. I'll talk to Quistis about it, I don't wanna leave her behind. She probably needs my help."  
"Dude," Irvine farts. (WE LOVE DA FARTS)"It's not like she's so fat that she can't walk. She still hot, sexy and sure she has a little belly but ooh, we sure do love it!" Irvine, Squall and Zell laugh.  
"...sure." Seifer mutters.  
Irvine looks awfully serious now, pushing his lips on each other. "So, ah, be at my place, ten thirty, got it? Be there or we'll leave without ya!"

Quistis and Seifer walk back home, holding hands.  
"Irvine asked if we wanted to go to that new disco with him."  
"And what did you tell him?"  
"I dunno. Do you want to go?" Seifer hypnotizes her '_no no no no say no no no'_ while giving her a puppy dog face.  
"Ugh...headache. No, sorry babe, I have ...erm stuff to do and we need to think about what to purchase for our kids, yeah that's it...yeah."  
"If you say so, babe." Seifer obviously didn't feel like leaving Quisty alone.

After Seifer and Quistis arrived back home, Seifer went to take a peepee. But he was NOT alone. What you say? Not alone? That's right, he was not alone.  
"Hello Seifer."  
"Ah!" Seifer lets out a womanly screech.  
"Seifer? What happened?" Quistis asks.  
"Nothing, Quis. I'm fine." He says.  
He turns and sees Cid's face surrounded by miniature clouds.  
"How are you today?"  
"Duuude! Can we take this outside? My wife will probably think I'm a schizo if she hears me whispering to no one in particular!" Seifer hisses.  
"Sure, sure, whatever you want." God disappears.  
Seifer gets out and walks over to the living room where Quistis sits looking into some babyroom books. "Quis?"  
"Hmm?"  
"I'll be outside if you need me okay?"  
"Okay."  
Seifer leaves the room and sits down in the grass in his front yard. Cid reappears.  
"Isn't it a wonderfull day?" Cid smiles at Seifer.  
Seifer shrugs. "Wonderfull? You were planning on giving me two boys all along and you never told me before. Wonderfull my ass."  
"Children are miracles, Seifer."  
"Who suck the life out of you."  
"I like your sense of humor, Seifer." Cid chuckles.  
"Humor? I was being serious."  
"Why do you hate them so much?"  
Seifer gives him an evil glare. "As if you don't know, God, you were the one who made it all happen."

_Flashback_

Little 7-year old Seifer sat all alone in the school bus, every single day.  
Why, you ask?  
Because little Seifer was adored by many little girls.  
Why was that such a bad thing?  
Little Seifer went to an all boys school, and 7-year old boys hate girls.  
Because girls have C O O T I E S.  
And the girls would give him little kisses every single time they saw him, and that was during every lunch break.  
He would try to stop them from kissing him, even threatened to punch them,   
but they kept on coming with they're cute little kisses.  


"Seifer has cooties! You better stay away from him!" One of his classmates shouted.  
"EEEEW! Seifer is yucki!" Another one would scream.

Whenever they showered after gym class they would stay atleast 3 feet away from him.  
Whenever the teams were chosen by other classmates, 7-year old Seifer was always the last to be picked.

Only because Seifer has 'cooties'.

End flashback

"And that's why I hate kids." Seifer sniffs. "Why did those girls have to like me!?"  
"If they didn't like you, you never would've gotten with Quistis."  
Seifer snorts. "They did have to like me when I was 14, not when I was 7!"  
"There there." He pats Seifer on his shoulder. "Kids will always be kids, but they were just jealous. That's how they show off jealousy, by making the others feel bad."  
"Blegh, can't you change that?"  
"Heh, no, that would be changing the whole entire enviroment we are in now!"  
"...eh...so?"  
Cid shaked his head. "No Seifer, no can do."  
Seifer sighs. "Oh well...anyway, what did I do to get another pleasant visit from you, almighty?"  
"I need you to go out with your friends tonight, Sei."  
"Why, it's not like I can protect Irv from the bouncer."  
"I just need you to keep an eye on Squall, that's all. I don't trust him one bit." Cid looks around suspiciously. "Hmm...I sense an odd air, could he be here?"  
Seifer eyes him. "You're weird man."  
"So you'll do it."  
"It's not like I have a choice, but I would like to have something in return." Seifer smiles sweetly at Cid.  
Cid sighs. "What would that be Seifer?"  
"Make sure my kids turn out healthy."  
Cid smiles broadly. "Now that was really nice to hear, Seifer. They will certainly be healthy." And Cid disappears into the air.

Seifer walks back inside and sits down next to Quistis.  
"You mind if I go out with the guys tonight?" He asks.  
"Nah, have fun before I nail you to the walls incase you wanted to run away from the kids." She gives him a peck on his cheek.

Ten thirty, Irvine's place. Everyone's there, except for Quistis, Zell and Meg.  
"YEAH!" Irvine yells. "We're gonna have so much FUN!"  
Selphie shakes her head. "Irv, you're such a retard sometimes."  
"Retard, peetard." He replies. "OOH Let's GO!"

So they arrived at the new club after 20 minutes and they went in.  
"OOH Look at the FINE ladies!" Irvine yells out of excitement and looks back at Selph. "I love you baby." He gives her a hug, receiving another slap.  
"So, me and Rin are heading to the bar, okay?" Squall says and walks away with Rinoa.  
"This is SO MUCH FUN!" Irvine squeels. He walks up to a woman. "Roses are red, lemons are sour. Spread those legs and GIMME AN HOUR!"  
SLAP  
Irvine rubs his cheek and looks sad. But sees another woman and runs over to her. "HEY BABE!" And rubs her ass.  
SLAP  
Irvine giggles awfully weird and runs over to the next woman.  
"My god, do I pity every single organism that has breasts here." Seifer mutters to Selphie.  
"YO GIRL! How many kids do ya want, and when do we start!?"  
POW (That was a kick in his balls)  
Irvine grabs his nuts making sure they're okay and sprints over to the next victims. "HEY LADIES! I'm Irvine. You better remember my name, cause you're gonna scream it later in the evening anyway!"  
  
Selphie grabs him by an ear and drags him away.

* * *

I'm ending it HERE!  
In the next chapter, you'll see the rest of the evening and other crap!

LATER! 


	10. Chapter 10

God, the Devil and Seifer

Part 10

.... Hello!  
Oh yeah, as for the names...  
Lance = 1  
Colin = 2  
Connor = 1  
Cody = 1   
And you guys may vote as much as you'd like...just until they're born, that is.

And I know that I actually should put an R rating up for the language I'm using, but to tell you the truth, when I was 13 I was already writing sicko lemons. And I loved reading them too. So honestly, ratings are just ratings, the readers probably know these words already.   
HEHEHE. I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. 

And I am so HAPPY! I nearly have a hundred REVIEWS! AAAH!   
...it's just ...THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR REVIEWS!

* * *

Irvine, now handcuffed by Selphie, was dancing merrily and hopping around the dancefloor looking for some ladies for the rest of the evening.  
Selphie and Rinoa were sexily dancing between two guys and Squall was sitting by a table on a balcony.  
"Hmmm...I must confess that these mortals aren't as smart as I expected. That is definitely an advantage. ...how to plan the next step to my victory...?"  
But what he did not notice was that Seifer had his eye on him for a while now.  
"The hell is he up too?"  
"But I must do it all soon." Squall mutters to himself while playing with his hands. "Just another 4 and a half months...hehehe." He smirks to himself.  
"...wait...that's MY KIDS' BIRTHDAY! "...oops.  
Squall looks behind him and sees no one. "Hmmm." He stands up and walks around suspiciously eying everyone.

Seifer had quickly ran into the mens room. He huffs and puffs and huffs some more.  
"Damn that was close. I wonder what he's up to...he'd better not try and kidnap my boys." Seifer opened the door and notices Squall staring at himself in the mirror.  
"Hello Seifer, great evening isn't it?" Squall turns around facing Seifer.  
Seifer grins nervously and washed his hands avoiding eyecontact with Squall. "Yeah, sure is."  
"I need to have a word with you, Seifer."  
"Hehehheh...why?"  
"You'll see."  
They walk out of the mens room and go stand into a corner.  
"So, what's going on Squall?"  
"Did you overhear me talking?"   
"...urm no."  
"Yes you did, what did you hear?" Squall growls.  
"Nothing special."  
Squall eyes him. "Suit yourself...heh. " And walks away from him.   
"You better not do anything to my family." Seifer blurts out.  
Squall grins and looks back at Seifer. "Do not worry, your family has nothing to do with my grand scheme."  
"Grand scheme?"  
"Fuck. I guess I've said to much."  
Seifer grabs Squall's arm. "What are you up to?"  
"That really is none of your concern, Almasy." And shook Seifer's hand off. "And I suggest you won't pry into my affairs from now on... or I will make sure something will happen to your family, understood?"  
Seifer sneers.  
"I'll take that as a yes. Now, I suggest you go and party on with that retarded friend of yours, Irvine was it? And forget about this whole incident." And Squall disappears into thin air.

Seifer and Selphie are trying to get a drunk Irvine to his front door.  
"When the hell did you get so heavy, Irv?" Seifer complains.  
Irvine notices a car bumping up and down suspiciously.  
He strumbles over to it, peeks into the backwindow, sees two people doing the nasty, opens the door and screeches: "That's HORNY DUDES!" And falls back down.  
Selphie and Seifer walk over to him and pick him up.   
"Get ME into mah BED FAST, Damn....SERVANTS!" Irvine laughs wickedly.  
Seifer and Selphie decide to drop him instantly. "Oops, sorry SIRE, won't you forgive me?" Selphie growls.  
Irvine mumbles something under his breath.  
Selphie pulls him up by his hair. "What did you say Irvine?"  
"That's gonna be one hell of a BLOWJOB, damn servant." He rants.  
Selphie growls. kicks him in his balls, opens the door, and gives Seifer a quick peck on his cheek. "Goodnight Seifer." And closes the door behind her.  
Seifer stares around him and thinks about what to do with Irvine.  
_'What to do, what to do? He treated me and Selph like dirt... but the man is drunk...oh man...I'll just drag him over to my place and let him rest on the couch.'_

After Seifer dragged Irvine onto the couch he made his way up to the bedroom.  
Seifer finds Quistis in his pyjama shirt. "Hey superlover. You surely did keep me waiting..." And moves over to Seifer seductively.  
"Hehehe ..._What the hell am I suppose to do?! I'm frickin' tired!_...won't I squash the babies?"  
She grins and crawls over the bed. "Cute, honey. Now get the hell out of those pants and give it to me!" She demands.  
'_Oh crap! Oh crap!...oh wait...._

*flashack* "...be the ultimate lover? ...Yeah why the hell not. I want to be the perfect lover, FOREVER. So that my darling wife can brag to her stupid friends."  
"That can be arranged, I guess. Alright, will you be off to your father now?" *end flashback*

....yeah no matter how crappy I'll be, I'll still be a superlover! Hehehe!' Seifer quickly takes off his trousers and they shag like monkeys until Seifer fell asleep.

That next morning... 

Quistis moans while trying to get Seifer off her.  
"Eh?" Seifer's eyes flutter open.  
"Morning sweetheart..." Quistis smiles at Seifer. "Last night was great. And then I mean really great. What did you use?" She cuddles up with Seifer.  
"Nothing. Can't it just be me?" Seifer asks.  
"Then why didn't you make love to me like this before?"  
"I don't know, maybe because I wanted to make sure you'd never leave me." He grins.  
"Why the hell would I do that?!...wait, are you worried that your dad is gonna take me away, cause-"  
"Nah, it's not my dad, I just wanted to make sure." He gives a kiss on her forehead.  
"Okay." She gets out of bed and goes into the bathroom.  
'_YES! And within a few days every friend of her is gonna know about SUPERLOVER SEIFER!' _ He laughs.  
"EEEK!" A nude Quistis screams and jumps out of the bathroom. "SEI! What the HELL IS IRVINE DOING HERE?!"  
Irvine walks out of the bathroom with only his pants on. "Sorry I scared ya, Quisty. But please don't scream so loud, I have one hell of a headache." He says and continuous brushing his teeth. "Oh yeah, I borrowed a toothbrush, you guys minds?" And walks into the bathroom.  
"Seifer, you could've at least told me HE was in the bathroom!"  
"Sorry, I just thought he was still sleeping downstairs."  
"What's he doing here anyway?"  
"Selphybabe locked him out."  
"Figures."

After Irvine had gone back home, Seifer and Quistis have a little conversation.  
"So, who're gonna be our boys' godparents?" Quistis says.  
Seifer shrugs. "Selphie could be a great mom."  
"Actually, I was thinking of Zell. And besides, if Selphie gets them, Irvine will probably ruïn them." Quistis exclaims.  
"Irvine? What about crackhead? She sure as hell will probably rot their fucking brains and then they'll turn out as retards!"  
"But what if...we could give it to my parents." Quistis takes a sip from her coffee.  
"YOUR parents? You've got to be kidding me!" He laughs. "What do you want our boys to become? Geeks!?" Seifer laughs some more.  
"My parents do not raise geeks, Sei."  
"They don't? Then what the hell did I marry?!" He laughs.  
She jabs him in the ribs. "Funny babe."  
"It's just that ...well your parents are so strict and cocky."  
"Yours are gay, divorced and gay Francesco." She defends.  
"What's wrong with being gay? I thought you women liked gay men!"  
"We do but..."  
"What?"  
"I don't know. We can also give them to your mom. Then we'd have two more little Seifers!" She squeels.  
"No, we can't do that..." He mopes a little.  
"What's wrong?" Quistis strokes his leg.  
"It's just that my childhood isn't exactly your dream childhood."  
Quistis laughs softly. "Aww, what did they do to poor baby Seifer? Did they stop giving you their lunch money after you turned 10?"  
"Hehehe NO. Look I...maybe your parents aren't such a bad idea after all." Seifer takes a sip from his coffee.  
Quistis lifts Seifer's chin up with a hand. "Baby, what happened that must've been so bad?" She says dramatically.  
Seifer sighs. "When I was little...well, you know I went to an all boys school right?"  
She nods.  
"And the only contact we had with girls of our own age was during every break...and they-they KISSED ME!" Seifer bursts out crying.  
She laughs. "Babe, what's so wrong about that?!"  
He looks up at her in horror. "WHAT?! They tormented me! Because of THEM, I got laughed at! AND NOBODY WANTED TO PLAY WITH ME!" He sobs some more.  
"Well, they're stupid. What's so wrong about getting kissed by a girl?"  
"Woman, did you forget that children believe in a thing called COOTIES?!"  
Quistis laughs at him. "Aww, Seifer had COOTIES!" She laughs some more.  
"You obviously don't know what a horrible childhood I had to go through." He pouts at her and leaves.  
She laughs even louder. "Sei, where are you going?"  
"Outside, someplace where a girl can't destroy me." He replies.  
"Okay honey, but ya better watch out for them female bacteria's!" Quistis laughs even louder at her own *cough*stupid*cough* joke.

* * *

And this is the end of chapter TEN!  
And my 100th REVIEWER gets a SURPRISE!  
I just don't know what the hell it's going to be.

See ya guys around.

Danii 


	11. Chapter 11

God, the Devil and Seifer.

...damn.

It's been so long. To long.

I've given over 2700 reviews by now.

And as for the names:

Damian 1  
Cody 1  
Colin 2  
Lance 2  
Connor 2  
...Gah.

I don't know where to start, really.  
Guess I'll just write.  
...I should warn you, there may be some more -seriousness- as in romance (...seiftis) in this chapter then there usually is :)

~*~

Seifer sat on the grass and thought about scheisse. _First Squall, then God and now kids...WHY?!...What did I do to deserve them?!_ Seifer lied down on the grass with his head resting on his arms. _...I've never done anything bad in my life..._

~*~

...15 year old puberty boys Irvine and Seifer sit next to the stairs of Garden, watching underneath the skirts of the female cadets.   
Irvine drools.   
"So, how has detention been, Irv?"  
"T'was okay. Instructor Titties kept screaming and moving around while I was watching her melons bounce."  
"What did you do anyway?"  
"...I sneaked inside the Girls' locker room. Locked myself into a locker...*sighs* Selphiebabe opened the locker. She said like: "Ewy, why does my locker smell so bad!?" *imitates her voice*... and I couldn't keep my laughter in because I had been having a fart-attack again and she heard me. Called the PE teacher immediatly." Irvine grins. "And what have you been up to? Following class like some kind of geek? Dude, what's up with you man?"  
"None of your business." Seifer turns to look at the front gate.  
"It's that Trepe, isn't it? Man, I knew you had a weak spot for her!" He punches Seifer on his arm.  
"I do not. Irv, she doesn't even have large boobs." Seifer sneers back at him.  
"Good." Irvine snorts. "You're a badass. You can't date a nerd!...but Trepe sure is attractive, I tell you that. If she wasn't a nerd, I'd-"  
"Don't even finish that sentence." Seifer growled and stood up.  
"Touchy aren't we. I guess you do have a -thing- for her."  
"Even so." Seifer started walking towards his locker.  
"That won't be to good for your reputation, Seif, and you know it."  
"Does it look like I care, dumbass?"  
"Sheesh!" Irvine backs up a little.

They stare at some girls walking into the toilet.

"...I bet you aren't man enough to get in there and show them your Willy..." Seifer grins at Irvine.  
Irvine grins back at him.

"How much?"

"15."

"Heh, that's some more Girl Next Door's for moi!" Irvine winks at Seifer and walks into the girls' bathroom while whistling...BAHM BAHM!

"AAH, the pain!"  
"Go away you pervert!"

The girls walk out to greet a grinning Seifer. They grumble at him.  
Their Headmaster suddenly shows up and questions the two girls. They pointed to the bathroom and the Headmaster went in immediatly.

He came out holding Irvine by his ear.

"What were you doing there, Mister Kinneas?"  
"Whatever you were doing in the bathroom, I was doing in the bathroom." Irvine grins.

"And you!" The Headmaster yells at Seifer. "What are you grinning at?"   
"...Irvine's stupidity SIR!" Seifer muffles a laugh.  
Selphie and Zell show up. "What did you do now Irvy?" Selphie asks him.  
"Kinneas showed his manhood to two female cadets!" The Headmaster stated.

Selphie turns tomato red and bitchslaps Irvine. "YOU WHAT?!" Seifer immediatly tries to get a hold of her.

"Restrain yourself, cadet!...And as for you, Kinneas, deTENTION!" The Headmaster lets go of Irvine and walks away.   
"WHAT ABOUT SEIFER!?" Irvine screams.   
The Headmaster turns around. 

"What about Seifer?"  
"He made me do it!"

"Is this true, cadet?"  
Seifer snorts. "It was a bet, sir."  
"DETENTION FOR YOU TO!...Now go to class or whatever you were doing."....

....After school...

Seifer and Irvine walk towards detention class. "Man, detention again...I just had detention YESTERDAY!" Irvine cries out.   
They step inside the room and sit down at the back. They look around and Seifer notices Quistis sitting in the front, moping, and decides to go talk to her.

"...boo." He whispers in her ear.  
She turns around, a bit shocked. "Asshole."

"How the hell did you get into detention, Trepe?"

"I-I let someone cheat on the math test...and I had to tell the teacher!" She sobs. "I can't live with being bad!"  
"Damn, you really are a nerd."  
She snorts at him. "I am not. Could you live on while you knew that you violated the rules?!"  
"I violate the rules all the time. It get's easier after a while." He grins at her but notices that she wasn't loosening up. "Oh come on, it's not that bad, babe."  
"Call me babe again and I'll kill you." She threathens.  
"Heh, kill me with what, BABE?" He exagerates.  
"With lectures." She whispers at him.  
"Lectures turn me on, babe." He counters whispering.

"You're impossible!" She smacks him on the head.

"Hey Seifer!" Irvine calls out. "Get your ass back here!"   
Seifer sits back next to him. "What?"  
"What the hell were you thinking?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"You were with that NERD!"   
"SO?! Quit your whining!"  
"BUT I want you to pay attention to me!" Irvine sobs. "NOW, all you see is, the-the QUEEN OF THE NERDS!"

"NOT so LOUD!" Seifer hisses as he notices as the faces staring at them. "They might think we're gay!"

"I thought you didn't care about what other people thought about you, Seif...y." Irvine bats his eyelashes.  
"I don't."

Irvine snorts and waves his hand queerly. "Fine, Seify, won't you go talk to the nerd." And points towards Quistis.  
"But don't think I will be your lover once more, Seifer!" Irvine laughs at him.

"Don't worry -Irvy-, I'm not expecting anything from you anymore." Seifer said rather hurt.

"Hey! Seif! It was a joke!"

Seifer stands up and walks towards Quistis. He looks back at Irvine and winks at him.  
Irvine gave an understanding nod and stuck both his thumbs up at him.  
Seifer sits down next to Quistis and lays his head on her shoulder. Quistis shrieked. "What do you think you are doing?" She hisses.

"Irvine hurt me."

"...so?"

"I need some comforting!" He pouts at her.

"And you came to me, for comfort? Tch, go bother someone else, will you?" She folds her arms trying to get his head of her shoulders but he then placed his head on her lap.  
"...oh Quistis! He hurt me!" He sobs....  
Quistis, not knowing what to do, starts stroking his hair uncomfortably. "...he's a dumbass, don't let him get to you." She smiles slightly.

"But he's my best friend."  
"Get a new one." She suggests to get Seifer away from her as soon as possible.  
"But I only like Irvine and..."   
"...who? Then you can go to him!" Quistis smiles happily.

"I like you. Will you be my friend?"  
She pinches his cheeks hard. "Hell no. Get off ME!"

"Don't you wanna see me happy, babe?"  
"NO." Quistis blows her cheeks up and stares around furiously.

"Don't you wanna make me happy?"  
Quistis ignores him.

Seifer sits back up and gives her a peck on her cheek. "You're really pretty when you're like that, you know?" He grins and walks to the back, back to Irvine.

"...Damn that Seifer." Quistis snorts and breaks her pencil.

~*~

_That's not bad...I didn't hurt her did I?..._

"Seifer, could you come in!"

Seifer got up and raced towards Quistis.

"WHAT WHAT! Are you hurt?!"  
"No silly." She smiles while sitting comfortably on the sofa with her feet resting on a pillow on the table..  
"Then what?" Seifer asks.  
"I'm hungry."  
"...so?"  
"Seifer! It's your time to cook!"  
"Oh yeah, I forgot...but it's only 4pm."

"So. I'm eating for three now so I need to start early!"  
"Yeah whatever. What would you like, Quis?"

"I'd love some... strawberry shortcake with pickles and some chocolate cookies with mashed potatoes."  
"...I can't make that."  
"Why not?!"  
"I won't allow myself to foodpoison my loved ones!"

"...STOP OVEREACTING AND MAKE ME SOME FOOD!" She throws a pillow at his head.   
"Damn you woman, I was just trying to look after you." Seifer goes into the kitchen.

"Thanks honey! I love you!" Quistis yells while continues watching TV.

Seifer takes out all kinds of vegetables and fruits out of the cupboards. _I'm gonna make you the most delicious and healthy meal, dear wifey, whether you like it or not._ He laughs like a maniac.

"SEIFER! What are you doing?!"

"Cooking your meal!"

"Is that ...brussel sprouts I SMELL?! Where's MY CHOCOLATE!"...BOOM.

_Uh-oh._Seifer quickly locks the kitchen door. Boomboom.  
"Seifer open this door or I'm gonna eat it!"

"NO! I'm gonna make you eat healthily!"  
"I WANT CHOCOLATE!"

Seifer ignores her and turns on the radio loudly.

~*~

...Well, that was it for now. I'm sorry it may not be as...entertaining as the beginning :)

But still, I hope you enjoyed reading it. 


	12. Chapter 12

God, the Devil and Seifer

Part 12

Wassap.  
Well, thanks guys, for the pwetty reviews, I like.

Name Poll:  
Damian  
Cody  
Colin 4  
Lance 3  
Connor 3  
Hunter

And here's part 12 for you.....gegigangar. Oh yes, Quistis is ...very OOC, but umm, she's pregnant, yah? Happy reading ^-^

Oh yeah, I don't own PIMP, 50 cent does.

~*~

"I'm not eating that." Quistis refuses to open her mouth while Seifer tries to stuff her with vegetables.   
"Then I'm not gonna have sex with you!" Seifer threathens.  
"You can't do that! I'm horny everyday! I'm pregnant and HORNY!"

"I know." Seifer sticks the fork in a broccoli. "Now eat."

"I hate you."

"I love you to, now-" 

"It's NOT fair! You hid all the snacks and you-you...I can't even run after you!" She wails.  
"Babe, don't get mad, it's not good for our babies. You know what? You eat this up and I'll make you some dessert, kay?" He hands the fork over.   
She looks up at him. "With chocolate?"

"With chocolate. IF you'll eat this plate filled with delicious and yummie greens."   
"You're terrible."  
"You're huge."

"WHAT?! Get BACK HERE!" She tries to get Seifer back but he's already in the kitchen. "Damn. You wait till we're in bed, mister."

~*~

_'Let's see, what kinds of food do we have here?'_   
He opens the fridge. _'Yoghurt, pickles...pickles....'_ He took out the yoghurt and looked into the fruitbasket.  
_'Strawberries, white graphes...and kiwi's'_ He placed the yoghurt in the basket and placed it on the counter. He checks out the fridge. _'Mocca/Vanilla scoop icecream...neat.' _He took the icecream out and makes the dessert.

"Seifer?" Quistis asks from behind the door, cheek pressing against it. "What shmells so nice?"  
"Have patience! And leave me alone! I'm working on my masterpiece!"  
Quistis bangs on the door furiously. "MY masterpiece! MINE MINE!"  
Seifer screeches. "Go away! Hey, wait, I think Oprah is on TV!"

"Oprah? Yay!" Quistis walks away from the door.

_'Finally, some peace and quiet...'_  
"Oh Seifer! Oprah isn't on TV! You LIAR!" She bangs on the floor furiously.  
"Calm DOWN! And get dressed will ya?"  
"What for?"  
"We'll go and take a walk and then we'll sit down and eat this lovely dessert."

"Really, baby, that's so romantic! OKAY! I'll be down in a sec!"  


~*~

The walked hand in hand, romantically...

"Quistis! Stop it!"  
"But I'm not doing anything!" She smiles sweetly at him.

"You're trying to steal the dessert from me."

"I wasn't...really...I was trying to grope your ass, you handsome man."

"Babe, I'm trying to be romantic here...you're not helping."  
Quistis stops walking and tugs at Seifer's arm. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I crave food so much." She embraces him and Seifer kisses her head.

"HEY! WHAT... QUISTIS!" He let's go of her.

"HAHA! Dessert is mine!" She starts running...until she realises she ...can't. She slowly walks to a bench near a fountain, facing the sun going down.  
"Nice try babe." He kisses her on the cheek and sits down next to her. He takes the dessertbasket from her and gives her two spoons, two plates, takes out the basket with the dessert and scoops it onto their plates.

~*~ 

"That was delicious." Quistis kisses him on the cheek and lies down, head on his lap. "Thanks Seif." She smiles at him.   
He mutters a: "No thanks, beautiful." and stares at the sun.  


~*~

"Yo Seifer!" Irvine hollers at him while waving.  
He turns and shrugs. "What?"  
Irvine walks towards him. "I heard Trepe is giving a birthday party, and you're not invited!"

"That's because she only invited the nerds from school, Irv."

"But, you're going right?"

"Of course. I wouldn't miss it for the world."

"Man, are those geeks gonna be shocked. Hey, can I come, I could stall them for you, while you make your move...you know?"  
"If you want to. I won't mind." He grins at Irvine.

"We could ask Zell and Rajin too. They could help me... bring out the party out of the geeks man! I'm brilliant!"  
"Sure, you know when it is?"

"Yah. Got a copy of the 'invitation', man, I wonder how much she paid to print out these. Even this black and white version is pretty!" Irvine giggles. "Anyway, wanna meet up before we go in? So you can see if Zell's not TOO drunk already." 

"S'cool. Park?"  
"Got it. See ya tonight."

~*~

"Whoa, Seif, you look decent. All that for Trepe?" Irvine mocks.

Seifer was in a pair of loose jeans and a black blouse, buttoned totally wrong, white sneakers and hair totally messed up.   
"I'm suppose to look this sexy, Irv." He grins at him.

"All ya need is a cigar, ya know." Rajin snorts. "I brought Fujin, mind?" 

Seifer shrugs. "I hope her parents aren't home." Seifer puts his hands into his pockets.  
"Nah, Trabia, vacation." Fujin smiles.

"Where the fuck is Zell!" Irvine comments irritated. "He better be here soon..."

Out of nowhere Zell shows up with a girl, his arm around her waist.

"Hey guys, sorry I'm late, but I met ...um what's your name?"  
"I'm Sheiline. Nice to meet ya!" The girl replies drunkily.

"Yay, now we can go!" Irvine hopps off merrily.

~*~

"You ring the bell!" Zell beams.  
"You do it, ya know!"

"Seifer. Ring bell."  
"I can't! If someone else does it, I could sneak in!"

"How the hell do you plan to sneak in when the person is standing in the doorway, Seif?" Irvine remarks.

"I could push him." Rajin says. "Then he can rush inside to his girl." He smirks.

"Thats's brilliant, Raj." Zell stated drunkily. 

"...Who'll ring, ya know?" Rajin asks now they're in front of the door.

"...Sheiline could." Irvine looks at her. "Girl?"   
"Yeah!?"  
He takes her hand and pulls her towards the door. "Ring that bell will you."

"Kay!" She rings the doorbell.

"Okay, when someone opens the door, you push us inside, okay, Rajin?" Seifer asks.

"Got it, ya know."

A nerdy looking guy opens the door and looks at the crowd. "Zell, Rajin? What are members of our football team doing here?" He asks shocked. "And what is this smelly looking girl doing h-!"

He was interrupted by the group that was pushed inside. Rajin closed the door behind him.   
"We split?" Fujin asks the rest.

"Sure." Seifer says and walks away.  
"We'll be in the kitchen...or wherever there is booze!" Zell says and walks away with Sheiline.  
"I'm gonna find me and Fuj a bedroom, ya know?" Rajin whispers towards Irvine. "You gonna be okay alone, Irv?"

"Of course, man! Go have some fun!" Irvine smiles back at him.  
Rajin nods and walks off with Fujin.

Irvine looks around ad notices the nerd who opened the door. "So, where are the rest of the nerds?"

"In the lounge, Kinneas." He spat in disgust.

Irvine punches him in the arm, making him wince. "Even Birthday Girl?"

"Yes, now if you'll excuse me, I was about to make my move on her." He walks off. Irvine follows him.

Irvine notices Seifer walking towards Quistis and saw it as his que to distract the crowd away from her. He jumps onto the table and starts singing:  


"I dunno what ya heard 'bout me  
But a biatch can't get a gillah outta me  
No Cadillac, no perm, you can't see  
That I'm a motherfucking P-I-M-P"

"Now all the guys sing with me! WOOHA!" He noticed that Quistis and Seifer were missing and smirks. "Haha!"  
He jumps off the table and starts looking around for nerd-girls.

~*~

I'm ending it here. For now. I think I'm going the wrong way, with writing this I mean. It's getting too romantic...and mushy...*shudders*.

Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed it, and thanks for sticking by! Even though this is just a humor fic, I'm proud of it.

Later. 


	13. Chapter 13

God, the Devil & Seifer

Part 13  
  
No friggin comment. Enjoy BEEP! But thanks to everyone, for sticking by all this time. BEEP. hehehehe. BEBEBEBBEBBEEEEEP.

Oh and, as for the names of the baby boys, I've decided that I will decide one name, and the other will be the one that has the most votes...cause I don't like Lance AT ALL...but you REVIEWERS obviously do...HEH...

* * *

"How DARE YOU!" Quistis stares at him in awe. "This is my birthday party!"  
"Shut up...." Seifer looked around, annoyed in hope to find a private room, dragging Quistis with him. "I just need to talk to you. Okay? Just...can't we just sit down and have a conversation?" He looks back at her.

"Alright...fine." She walks into a very clean room and sits down on the bed. "This is my room, close the door behind you, will you."

Seifer grins. "Of course, love." He does so and sits down on the floor across of her.

"So, what is it?" She said fuming.

He cupped her hands with his. "Well, happy sixteenth birthday, gorgeous." And kisses the tips of her fingers. "Be mine."

....Quistis eyes him for awhile and folds her arms.

They continue staring at each other until Seifer suddenly _'faints'_.

"Are you alright?" Quistis asks a bit concerned.

"I-I ...your eyes are so AMAZING, I couldn't look into them any longer! HOLD ME!" Seifer overreacts and gestures for her to fall into his arms.

"You dumbass. Get up!"  
He did so. "Whatever you want, love." He got up and walks to her clothingcloset.

"What do you think you're doing?" 

"I need to find out your clothingsize, especially the one for your panties and bra's." Seifer said seriously.

"Do you have a deathwish, Almasy?" She walks up to him and folds her arms. "My father owns a collection of samurai swords, it can be a quick and clean death, you know."

"No need for anymore threatening, my love, I am done." He swings around and kisses her while pining her onto her bed.  
She stiffens her lips while Seifer tries to forge his tongue into her mouth...not a pretty sight...

"GET OFF!" Quistis muffles through her lips while trying to push his head away.  
After awhile Seifer gave up and got off her. "You know, most girls are dying to have ME as their man, why aren't you?" He whines.

"I'm not a slut. Besides, I have other priorities then dating." She got up from her bed and straightens out her hair.

"What could be more important then _me_?"

Quistis, who wasn't paying any attention to him at all, walked into her private bathroom and quickly locked the door.  
Seifer came after her and leaned with his back against the door. "What are you doing in there? Masturbating while thinking of me? You know, for _you_, I'd undress just like that, you know?"

"Sicko! Leave me alone!"

"Just tell me what you're doing! I'm nosy!"

"I'm switching tampons! IDIOT!" She lied, she was actually trying to stuff her bra with toilet paper.

"Gross! Did you have to tell me _that_?!"

"Quit whining! Or else...I'll-!"

"Do me?" Seifer sniggers.

"If you don't quit bugging me this instant, I'll show you the dirty tampon, stupid idiot!" She unlocked the door and came out with her right hand balded.

"NO! Get _away!_!" Seifer stepped away from her.  
She opened her hand and waved it at him. "Retard, why would I want to hold a bloodied tampon in my hands?"

There was a sudden knock on the door. "Quistis? Are you okay?" A young male's voice called. "It's me Roderick."

Seifer decided to barricade the door with a chair after throwing the stuffed animals on it flying across the room. Sits down on it and starts kicking the nearby wooden table. And moans. "Oh Quistis, that feels good...oh...don't stop.....uh...."

Quistis stares at him in awe and makes number of attempts to pull him away from the chair...making Seifer moan some more.

"Don't stop...Ah!" As if having an orgasm.

Quistis was finally able to get him off the chair but fell down and dragged him down with her.

"Quistis!" Roderick screamed as he entered the room, finding Seifer on top of his beloved Quistis.   
Seifer seemed pretty cozy with his head on top of her breasts but Quistis seemed kind of sweaty (because of the pulling, Seifer's kind of ...heavy.).

"Yo, can't we have some privacy?" Seifer asked Roderick annoyed. "We're busy!" He winked at the dumbfounded nerd.

"Is that true, Quistis?" Roderick asked her.

"NO! The idiot is LYING! Get off, Seifer!"  
Roderick immediately came into action by pulling Seifer by his legs, dragging him away from Quistis.

"Get your stinking hands off me, or do you want a good beating?!" Seifer threatened.  
Roderick pees...it was a silent _pshhhhshhhhhh_ sound. "Sorry."

"That's right." Seifer got up and runs a hand through his hair, straightening his clothes. "Now leave us."

Roderick softly closes the door behind him.

"Quistis, you never answered my question."  
"What question....oh! You mean you 'Be mine' statement?"

"Yeah!" Seifer leans into her, resting one arm on the door.

"I can't."  
"What do you mean?"  
Quistis looks down onto her feet, avoiding eye contact. "I have issues."  
"What, you're a virgin? Doesn't matter!" He jokes.

"No."  
"Look, we all have our issues."

"I....I'm just scared to be in a relationship."

"What are you scared of?"

"That I'm not good enough. I've never kissed before! I don't even know what couples do when they're in a relationship!"

"It just comes naturally. Besides, I've never been in a proper relationship before."

"Seifer....just answer me this....are _you_ still a virgin?"

_What am I to say....? I'll just say yes._"Yes."

That seemed to cheer her up."Then I'll give us a shot...I guess."  
"WHAT?!" Roderick stormed in, knocking Seifer to the ground. "What do you want with _him_?! He's trouble!"  
"At least I don't wet my pants at the age of sixteen." Seifer retorts.

Roderick blushes and flees.

As Seifer and Quistis returned home, Quistis checked the answering machine for messages. "_You have one message_."

"Hey guys! It's me Dauragon....errr, well I just wanted to tell you, that I bought a house just across your house! Ain't that wonderfull! Now I get to spend loads of time with my grandchildren! Well, LATER!" The over excited Dauragon chanted.

Seifer stared dumbfounded at Quistis. "I never told him you were pregnant." He remarks.  
"Neither did I, maybe Irvine told him."

"Or maybe he hired a spy to spy on us." He looks suspiciously to the 'sold' house across theirs.

"Don't be crazy. Anyway, I think it's a lovely idea, now we'll never have to hire a babysitter!"

Seifer sighed, not really liking the idea of his father moving in there. "Yeah yeah, I'm gonna go put the scheisse in the dishwasher now, okay."

"I'll go take a shower then." She gave him a quick kiss on the lips and headed upstairs.

Seifer strode into the kitchen and packed out the trash & scheisse from the basket he had brought with him.  
"Long time no see."  
Seifer turns his head to see who said that to find out it was Squall, and turns back to his basket.  
"I just saw you yesterday....hey, was my father moving here your doing?" Seifer asks.  
"....errr I might've persuaded Cid, he did like the idea of having a large loving family for your kids...hehehehehee, why, you no like?" Squall smiled wickedly.

Seifer's head dropped. "I don't...anyway, why're you here, don't you have other stuff to do?"

Squall took out a cigarette out of his pocket and lighted it.  
"No smoking, I don't want for Quistis to inhale that crap." Seifer retorted.  
Squall 'snapped' the cig away. "Anyway, I'm just here to check up on you, no reason really."

"...right."

"ALRIGHT!" Squall bursts out crying. "Rinoa is driving me INSANE! She just can't seem to leave me alone, she might come in here in a few moments...I don't know how she does it."  
"Did you tell her to leave you alone?"  
"Yes, but the dumb fuck is well yeah _dumb_, she just said 'oh, you're so cutesywootsy Squallywally'." Squall imitates her voice. "You got a place where I could hide...for an hour or so?"  
"I don't know...I've got a spare room, my mother uses it when she's staying over...that okay?" Seifer suggests.

"It's always worth trying." POOOF. Squally gone. POOF. Rinoa appears. "Mortal? Have you seen my teddybear? He wears black all the time, I think he wore striped trousers, black leather shoes and a silk black blouse today...OH! He also has two rid horns, you seen him?" She piped.

"Errr, no, sorry."

"I can smell him...he was here, wasn't he?!"

Seifer nods.

"Well? Where did he go?" She asks while sniffing the air around her some more.  
"I recall him saying that he wanted to see some ruby dragons up close..." He lies.

"Where can I find those?"

"Centra, Hidden research center, err Isle closest to hell and Isle closest to heaven."

"Thank you, mortal!" POOF.

That was it...for now.

Thanks for sticking by everyone, I really appreciate it.

I hope this chapter was good enough for you, later. 


	14. Chapter 14

God, the Devil & Seifer

Part 14

Happyhappyhappyhappy!...Good day.  
Anyway, thank you guys, for the reviews. Heheh.

And enjoy your reading!

_"AAAAAAAAAH"_ Quistis screams at the top of her lungs.

"Sorry!" Squall didn't know where to look so keeps staring at the nude Quistis.

"Close THE DOOR! SEIFER!"

Seifer comes running upstairs. "What's the matter? Fell down and can't come up because of your heavy belly?" He said as he opens the bathroom door.

"No! What's ..._Squall_ doing here?!"

Seifer looks at him as Squall just shrugs as he continues opening a few other doors.

"You know...'Seifer'...you've got quite a big house, too big for your salary, how _do_ you pay for all this?"

"He sure as hell doesn't pay for it! I do!" Quistis said.

"May I ask what your profession is then?"

"I'm a university professor, and it's Quistis."

"Alright, that explains the big fancy house." Squall opens another door and nudges to Seifer. "This the room?"

Seifer turns to him and snorts. "Actually, we have three guest rooms, that one is the smallest."

"Doesn't matter, I just need some time alone...anywhoo...'Quistis'? Why do you shower with the door unlocked?" Squall wonders.

"I was gonna join her after I was done downstairs." Seifer grins merrily.

"Great, now...I shall retreat and leave you alone, now, if you'll excuse me." Squall closes the door.

....

"What is he doing here, anyway?" Quistis comes out of the shower, with a silk black bathrobe on while drying her hair.

"Hey! You're finally wearing the bathrobe I bought you!" Seifer exclaimed happily.

"Yes well, I didn't want to end up nude in front of Squall again...and since you hung it up there a few months ago, I figured...maybe I should wear it sometime..."  
She walks into their bedroom to change into some clothes as Seifer follows. "Really, I don't like it, at all. It ends just below my buttocks and the back says:_ Property of S.A. MINE._...Really."

"But you love me anyway. Heh."Squall lay on the bed, arms underneath his head, just pondering while looking at the ceiling.  
_ ...I don't have much time...I need it all to succeed before the two brats are born...I need this planet to be DESTROYED! _ He laughs wickedly.

_Damn, I hope they didn't hear that. Oh wait..._ Squall sharpens his ears. _Ah, they're having monkey sex...alright, that means I won't be a disturbance at all..._He sniggers.  
_Anyway, onto my master plan...well, that would be to make sure Seifer screws up, BIG TIME, to make sure Cid destroys his 'pwetty planet'. _He mocks with a high feminine voice.  
_And I need to succeed before Almasy dies! ...and his kids will probably increase the chances on heart attacks! AH! The horror!_ Squall lets out a sigh. _What's a man to do? Really?_

POOF. "Squally!" Rinoa yells as she lands on top of him.  
"Squally, I really missed you. Where did you go?"

"I was out looking for you, actually." Squall lies. "But I got so tired I decided to have a short nap." He pouts at her.  
"Could you rub my horns?"

"Of course! Squally!"  
Squall sits up so Rinoa can sit behind him and places his head on her lap.

"So, have you been out looking for me for a long time?" Squall mutters.

"Yeah, I went to the moon, saturn, mars and a lot of different continents on this planet and after awhile I smelled you here, in that mortals' place so I went here, but the mortal claimed that said you were out looking for ruby dragons...so I went to some places he mentioned, but all sorts of monsters came at me! It was really horrible! It was a bloodfest!" Rinoa says with sad eyes.

"Why, did they hurt you?" Squall asked unconcerned.

"No...I must've wiped out a few specious of monsters on that island! You should've seen the places I went to look for you, I kinda left a trail of blood so you can actually see where I went to look for ya, Squally!" She suddenly hugs him, holding him by his neck. "I'm really glad I found you!"

"Rin, let go." He winces in pain. 

"I'm just attached to you, Squally...but can we go home now?...I'm kinda hungry." Rinoa smiles fondly at her Squall.

And Squall gave her a tiny small back. "...okay."  
POOF. POOF.

We see Selphie and Irvine, nude, in bed.

"Irvine, you're such a loser." She strokes his bare chest. "But, you're my loser..." She giggles.

"What do you mean? I'm not a loser." He looks horrified. "Did you know that Seifer's dad is gay?" Irvine whispers in her ear.

"I'm not surprised, really. He was just too...different to be straight." "I'm really excited, you know." Irvine sniggers.

"What about?" Selphie asks naughtilly.

"About Seifer's kids! I mean, they're having kiddies!...hey! Why don't we have kids?"

Selphie looks in horror. "Are you kidding me? You...a father?"

"Hey! I'd be the best dad EVER! Period." Irvine looks away from her, a bit pissed off.

"I'm not doubting you as a father. I just don't want my kids to end up like you, with your brain. You never were that bright, ever." She lays her head on his chest.

"So, if it's guaranteed that out baby will have your brains, I get to be a daddy?" He asks hopeful.

She sighs. "Yes, but not now, I just want to live without kids, for a few more years first, alright?"

"Yay! I can wait. I can wait. I can wait. Selphie, I can't wait! Heehee!"

"Irvy, please don't get too excited, I said that I don't want them now, so who can guarantee _we_ will even be together then?"

"If it's a boy, I'll name him Irvine2, if it's a girl, I'll name her Selphie2!"

At Zell's Hot/Beer/Dog pub...

"Bartender?... what's the meaning of life?" Drunkard #1 asks sleepily.

Zell shrugs. "Whine, eat, sleep, reproduce and die."

"That is so deep."

"Bartender? Can I get another scotch?" Drunkard #2 gestures to his empty glass.

Zell sighs. "You know I love you, Ed. But you _ need_ to lay off the alchohol."

"I know you love me, Zell. But I-I need it."

Zell slouches his shoulders. "Alright, just _one more_, okay?!"

"Thank you, I'll love you forever."

"I know, Ed, I know...so, how are you, Bill?" Zell asks Drunkard #3. "Want another whiskey?"

"I think I may need something stronger, my wife is really annoying these days, I forgot what she keeps asking for, because I'm usually drunk and all, but I think she may want me to _perform,_ you know?" Bill lays with his head on the bar, his eyes twitching. "Man, I'm nearly 60, Zell, I mean, I'm not as young as you! In my younger days, I wouldn't mind, but really...but, how're things with err...Meg, was it?"

"We broke up, but now we're back together, she's probably out on the streets, with her crack-addicted friends, she's happy, I'm happy she's happy." Zell looks dreamily.

"I don't like her." Drunkard #1 states. "She isn't good enough for you Zell, you- _YOU_ deserve a millionaire!"

"Craig, you always say that, about every girl, and again, no, Craig, I'm not gay! I know you want this piece of ass!" He points to his lovely buttocks. "And I know you're a millionaire, but I'm still straight, Craig, deal with it."

Craig pouts. "Oh well, I guess I'll just have to make you happy by buying liqour from you."

"Now that, I can accept." Zell smiles friendly at him.  
Meg comes into the bar, wearing a fake-zebra skin coat. "Zell, I need some mo' money!" She giggles merrily.

"I already gave you 80 gil for this night, Meg, and that's all you're gonna get tonight."

Meg pouts her lips. "Please, baby, please?...oh, I forgot to tell you, I'm pregnant!" She screams at him.

"What?! No more DRUGS for you! I oughta lock you up!"

"What? I thought that would make you give some cash...Damnit! I was kidding! I'm not pregnant!" She strides off.

"What?" Zell asks sadly. "But I...wanted to be a daddy." Zell sobs in a corner and hugs his knees.

"Zelly, would a few grand make you happy again, I don't wanna see you sad, I can take you shopping, if you'd like?" Craig offers.

"Craig, I'm not...queer, shopping won't make me happy."

"What will make you happy?" Ed asks. "I don't wanna see you sad either, man. I love you." Ed hiccups.  
  
What could make Zelly happy? You tell me.  
Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed the chapter! 


	15. Chapter 15

God, the Devil and Seifer

Part 15

Yes well, first off, I'd like to thank you guys, for reading this fic- with my uber-irregular updating system. ...whatever system that may be.

But okay, here's the next chapter, ENJOY!

X

Zell's moping in a corner, sipping beer from a bottle, at 9 am in the morning, when the bar entrance door opened..."...closed..." He murmers."Zell Dincht? Are you here? It's me, Seifer's dad."

Zelly looks up as he flinches from the sudden light coming from the open-standing door.  
He slowly gets up and extends a hand to the silhouet. "Mr. Almasy. I'm sorry I didn't really want for anyone too see me like this...I didn't expect anyone this early. But ...what brings you here?" He holds his head up, resting it on his arms.

"Oh, didn't you hear? I'm moving to this place to be able to spent some more time with my grand_kids_, you know.."

_Kids..._  
That made Zell sniff.

"Zell, what's the matter?"

Zell sobs. "Meg. She dumped me."

"Did she mean that much to you; after what I've heard, you've only been with her for 6 days now, was it?"

"I...loved her!"

-Earlier that morning-

"Zell, did you just have to beat up Cedric, he was my favourite dealer! Besides, I was only paying him back!"  
"I'm sorry, I know I'm a bit possesive, jealous and agressive sometimes...but I bought you this!" He shows her a pager with a shiny silk blue ribbon on top.   
"And I have one too! This way, we'll both know where the other is!" Zell exclaims cheerfully.

Meg flips her long dry brown hair as Zell stares at her dreamily. "Honey," She takes a sip from her coffee. "We should break up. I'm in love with Cedric now, he's the best! He can hook me up with free drugs, you won't even give me your creditcard!" She says irritated as she gets up from her barstool and pulls her miniskirt down.

"But that's the complete opposite of my idea!"  
She takes her coat from the bar and slowly puts it on.

"But I love you...I do! Ain't that enough?" He sobs uncontrollably as she strides to the door, slowly.  
"Fine! I hate you!...oh, NO! I love you, I'm sorry! PLEASE COME BACK!"

And she was gone.

-Back.-"Sorry Zell, women can be harsh sometimes."

"Coming from a gay man." Zell mutters.

Dauragon shrugs. "Well, I only came by to see how you were doing...don't do anything stupid, you hear?"

No response.

"Right. I'll be seeing you around then.

Zell snorts. Zelly cranky.

X

Selphie and Irvine were in quite a quirky mood as they were playing dress-up.

"Look what I found, Irvy! Two women's cop uniforms?" Selphie questions as she holds them up to show them to him.  
"What would you do with those?"

_ Oh damn, can't tell her I'm a cross dresser..._ "It's from two cops I slept with, they obviously left their clothes." Irvine plucks his chin.

"Riiight." She retorts. "Wanna put'em on?"

"Really? You wouldn't mind wearing a skirt?" Irvine asks excitedly.

"Let's put them on!"

A few minutes later...

Selphie stares down at Irvine's hairy legs. "Irvy? Those chicks you slept with must've quite 'wide', considering the fact that the skirt fits you perfectly!...It's a tad big for me though..." She mutters.

"Yeah, they were twins, fat twins!" Irvine sniggers nervously. "So, what are we gonna do now?"

"We could drive around in your Chevy pretending to be real cops! I've got some big'ole sunglasses, we can put those on too!"

...Irvine already ran to the front door. "Hurry! You grab the keys!" He scratches his hairy legs. "Damn mosquito's."

X

Selphie was driving down a busy road with lots of traffic, when Irvine suddenly stated that a man was peeing in a back alley. He opened the door and flew out of the car as he hastily ran to the peeing man. He pulled out his toy gun and pointed it at the man. "Put your hands on your head and lay down on the ground, mister!"

The tiny and slender man quickly zipped up his pants and put his hands behind his head and slowly turns around. He muffled a laugh as he noticed the long-haired skirt-wearing man. But he put on a straight face as he noticed the gun in Irvine's hands.

"Now lie down in your pool of piss!" Irvine giggles nearly unnoticeably.

The man stares at him in awe.

"Well, what are you waiting for?!" Irvine pointed downwards with his handgun.

The man drops his kneed in the pool of piss and sniffs detestingly as Selphie suddenly runs into the alleyway. She looks at the man and stares around.  
"Why are you sitting in your urine, sir?"

"He told me to." The man says softly.

"Eww."

"Man, all I did was urinate in an alley, it's not like I killed someone, go catch some real criminals!"

"Are you saying that we aren't good cops?!" Selphie fumes. "How dare you?! Why don't you lie face down, in your _Pool of Pisss_!" 

"No, please no!" The man pleads at Irvine.

"You better do as the lady says."

The man...does so.  
Selphie and Irvine tip toed away as they left the man in his pool of piss.

X

Half an hour later, they were driving on a highroad to a small-town called 'Draihuhmp'. As they stopped at a gas station, Irvine went inside to get some sodas.  
When Irvine came out of shop, Selphie noticed that some _real_ cops were following him outside.  
Selphie ducked in the car while trying to motion for Irvine to walk faster. Luckily, Irvine understood her signs and suddenly starts running towards the car and Selphie quickly opens the door, but Irvine, the dumbass, underestimated the car's entrance and bumped his head on the cars' ceiling.

X

Irvine was laying on a thin white mattress as Selphie was giving a piece of meat to hold against his forehead.  
They were sitting in jail.

But Selphie wasn't too cool with that, indeed. Three cops were discussing her and Irvine's situation.

"Oh, what should we do with them?" A young female cop with way to much make-up on asks overly dramatic to her superior.  
"I don't know, I don't know." The man sigh while shaking his head. "We need to make sure that the citizens of Draihuhmp will never have any contact with...these people." He says with disgust.  
"Hey! We have the right to make a phone call!" Selphie states.

The young female cop turns to her superior. "Boss, I think that she is right. Should I give her the phone, Boss?"

"Yes, May, you may." The man says awkward.

May slowly walked to the phone and slowly hands it to Selphie. "You may make one phone call, right boss?" She says sternly. Her boss snorts and ignores May. "You understand that...err?"  
"Selphie Tillmit."  
"Miss Tillmit, you understand that?"  
"Yes May, I do. Now _may _I?" Selphie retorts sarcastically.

May childishly sticks her tongue out and skips off to a colleague.  
"Oh Donovan!" She exclaims tiresome. "These criminals nowadays!"

"We're not _criminals_!" Selphie screams at her while cupping the phone with her hand.

"Almasy residence here." Quistis says.

"Quistis? I'm so happy you're home! I need you!"

"What's wrong?" Quistis asks concerned.  
"Irvine and I got arrested, we need you to bail us out."   
"How much?"

"Hold on...yo, how much is our bail?"

"Donovanny, how much should we let them pay?"

The bodybuilder build like man stood up, looking proud.  
"They have committed the crime of pretending to be a cop, a highly respected job, Boss, what is their bail?"

"And hurry up a bit, will ya!" Selphie bites her bottom lip irritated.

"Seeing that there have been no complain-reports about them whatsoever, it's only 7 gil a person." The Boss shrugs as he sips his coffee.

"Quistis, it's fourteen gil, Irvy left a twenty gil bill on the kitchen counter, hurry okay?"

"I'll be right....eh where?"

"Yo, where are we again, _Boss_?" Selphie twitches her eyes at the superior.

"You're in the town of-"   
"You're in Draihuhmp, you little criminal!" May pulls a face at Selphie.

"I'm in Draihuhmps' police station. Hurry Quistis!"

"...Dryhump? Selphie, baby, at least give me a serious name."

"Quistis, it exists! It's 60 miles east from Winhill! And please, look on the internet for the road to here, I dunno which paths we took, Irvine made me drive on sandy roads. Dumbass. And it's d-r-a-i-h-u-h-m-p, and not _dryhump_."

"Baby, ever heard of the town Draihuhmp before?" Quistis asks Seifer.  
"My uncle lives there, he's a farmer, and my cousin is a cop there...why?"

"Selphie and Irvine were arrested, and their bail is 14 gil. You need to get your ass there to pay their bail."

Seifer sighs. "Could you give me the phone for a sec?"  
Quistis hands him the phone.  
"Selph? Do you see a muscular blonde guy in the place?"

Selphie only sees the blonde Donovan. "Yeah."

"What's his name?"  
"Donovan."  
May gives her a bitchy look.

"Tell him I want to speak to him."

Confused, Selphie called for him. "Yo, Donny, Seifer Almasy wants to talk to you."

"Saifuhr?" The man immediately takes the phone from her hand.  
"Saifuhr, is that you? How are ya?" Donovan asks Seifer.

"I'm okay, you?"  
"GREAT!"  
"Anywhoo, I need a favor, could you let those guys go, for me, I'm kind of busy."  
"I shall do what I can, Saifuhr." Donovan whispers suspiciously into the phone. "I shall talk to you later."  
"Thanks, Don, I owe you one." _Click._

"So? Is he coming?" Selphie impatiently sneers.

Donovan ignores her. "Boss, May, it's nearly _Feeding Time!"_ He roars. "Why don't you two go to our usual _Draihuhmp_ shack and order our usual food, while I'll deal with the criminals."

May smiles lovingly at Donovan after she had said to Selphie. "Stay offa my man." Which made Selphie snort.  
"Sorry, no can do, I'm obviously attracted to dumbasses!" She motions to Irvine.

"May let us leave Donovan and the prisoners alone." The superior said as he patted his belly. "I'm starving." He grabbed her arm and dragged her away.

After they had left Donovan made sure they were out of sight when he took out the cell keys.

"Eww, you're not gonna _'dryhump'_ me are you?" Selphie mocks.

Donovan made a hushing noise as he unlocked the cell. "Saifuhr told me to release you."

"And...that's it?"

"Saifuhr is my teacher, sort of. We use to play together a lot when we were kids. He was younger then me, but wiser. He knows if you're innocent or not." He smiles at Selphie. "Let me carry your friend to your car." Donovan offered a helping hand with the hairy-legged, skirt-wearing Irvine.

X

Yo, make me happy and gimme some reviews, okay. It's my exam YEAR! WISH ME LUCK!...

I'm so fooking old, I'm nearing the age of 30!

Only...13 and a half years till I'm 30 ...AAAH!...  
How old was I when I started this fic...14?...Dunno.  
Anyway, I need you to figure out how many days have passed, since this fic started. In the fic, not in real life okay. Poopy.

Okidoki? ...I love you, you know that doncha? 


End file.
